tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-13701590199423424382024-03-05T01:52:40.954-08:00A SOUL WORTH TENDINGrooted in love. growing in faith. gracefully becoming.Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-86897186323120914992014-02-15T11:05:00.000-08:002014-02-15T11:05:40.533-08:00i think this means we are growing up Love is a beautiful gift, the carries with it the great burden of hurt and heartbreak. When we choose to love, or be loved, we also choose to risk hurting and being hurt.<br />
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I'm learning this right now. I've thought a lot about choices recently. How everyday we get to choose what we want to be about, how we want to live. I would say that I want to choose joy and love everyday. Somedays though, if I'm being totally honest, I choose contentment and selfishness. I choose to make things about me, or not fully accept my invitation to live into the life I was made to live.<br />
We have a deep human desire to be chosen. By God, by society, by friends, by success, by a boy, by family. When I look at the list of God, society, friends, success, boys, family, I know which one really matters. Brokenness clouds over perspective though, and so instead of finding our value in God, we seek things that the world tells us matter, or love that is fleeting, instantly gratifying, and conditional.<br />
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Jesus CHOSE US. He chooses us every moment of every day. <b>God chose to love and so with it his heart breaks when we hurt, and we break his heart when we don't choose him. </b>Jesus literally endured immense physical pain and hurt to demonstrate his love for us, when he could've stopped it all. But he didn't, he risked pain and suffering to demonstrate love as it was made to be. Love is not always easy, or simple. God chooses to give love and blessings and meaning and protection that can only come from him, while also promising to learn our sad heartbreak songs and sing along. While promising to never leave nor forsake us, knowing full well that we will leave and forsake him time and time again, simply because we are human.<br />
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Kara and I decided last night that the past few weeks have been extra hard. Not bad, just complicated and hard. We came to the conclusion that this probably means we are growing up. It's what we've wanted all our lives and its moving in on our selfish ways and desires. And it is teaching us and challenging us. Life is going to be rough, and messy and not about us. That we will have to choose what we want our lives to really be about, and again and again to choose to live that out.<br />
I always say the best things in life are the most difficult. I believe that because the hardest things I've gone through have brought the greatest transformation and blessings. So here's to growing up. To graduation, to real relationships and real choices. All that are hard and scary. Here's <strike>hoping</strike> believing that the risk we take when are passionate and when we love selflessly, bring goodness.Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-29756790761242475132014-01-14T08:54:00.002-08:002014-01-14T08:54:44.025-08:00where joy comes in**this post was written in December but neglected and forgotten about in the midst of finals week... until now!**<br />
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I find that there is a usual theme of the way I feel during finals every year... mostly chaotic, out of order, insufficient, tired, and there always seem to be a lot of jokes about being a hot mess. Yesterday though, things felt different. It was chaotic and daunting but I felt this overwhelming sense of what really mattered and that things will be ok.<br />
I live in a house with three other girls, whom I love love love dearly. They are my best friends, my confidants, my home team, my sisters. Yesterday I sat in the front room while Kara and I hurriedly finished our respective papers minutes before the deadline (#senioritis) and Christi crammed in some last minute studying before her final. The night before Christi and I sat around the kitchen table until 4am (hey sleep deprivation) and studied. In both of these scenarios I felt the presence of God. I felt thankful that I was given true friendships and people who love me and people who stay up with me to study and then also put up with with my weirdness due to exhaustion. And not even just put up with me, they join me and they love me. When I am overwhelmed or need to vent, and when I am excited and need to celebrate, they meet me where I am and love me.<br />
Christi and Kara and I walked to our finals at 1 yesterday and it was freezing cold. We left the house too late and ran around grabbing the essentials before pulling on boots and parkas and our backpacks and leaving quickly. On the way we just started laughing about maybe life in general, maybe just finals week, but how life is funny. That morning in the front room, and the night before in the kitchen we had laughed so hard. And we had also had some of the best conversations we'd shared in a long time. About God and new love and success and the future and how life is scary.<br />
I think that in the midst of when life is happening, when life is crazy and things seems to be a little disjointed, joy comes in. Joy comes in to bless us in the chaotic. Like a little message from God saying, "this life is hard, this life is crazy, but I've made it gorgeous for you to enjoy."Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-22212614726490930052014-01-14T08:49:00.003-08:002014-01-14T08:49:57.539-08:00not a new years resolution I'm not much into new years resolutions, in fact this year I blatantly decided to reject ideas of making any. BUT, I like the idea of a fresh start, renewal of ordinary things, and the hope of the future. So, I've thought a lot lately about what I want my life to be more about. In the past my resolutions have involved losing weight or getting better grades. I don't think that life is meant to be measured by three little numbers on a scale or letters on my transcript. My life is worth more than shallow goals, my value is not meant to be measured by success or failure.<br />
In this season of my life I've become more aware of my fears. Right now it looks like being anxious about graduating and getting a job, or letting myself be vulnerable in relationships. But there are grander themes of being fearful about ending up unhappy, or just merely satisfied with life, or of failing by the standards of the world.<br />
A huge aspect of being a believer is knowing that God says again and again "do not be afraid!" And I do hear that, read that, but so many times I fail to believe or live in the freedom of that truth. God's perfect love drives out all fear. Ann Voskamp writes, "all fear is but the notion that God's love ends." God's love does not end, it is meant to be overwhelming in the best way, it is unrelenting if we are willing to receive his love.<br />
God's love drives out all fear. God delights in lavishing us with his love. He is a loving father desiring to cover us with grace and love and blessings. He is a protector. I'm finding out that my fear, and my forgetting-I'm-loved is rooted in my lack of trust. I admit that I want control. I am addicted to planning, lists, wanting to know what comes next. One of the greatest tensions in my life is that I so long to surrender my life to God and to live presently in his plan for me, but when I'm afraid I revert to desperately clinging to my own plans. Don't we all crave control and a road map to this life? Doesn't God find joy in writing our stories?<br />
Here is what I hope. That my life be more about channeling my fears in a way that allows me to seek and experience God. Fear is inherently uncomfortable and scary, but fear also usually means that something is important to us. For example, I'm afraid of being hurt by those I love, because I value those relationships. And I'm afraid of ending up unhappy, because I deeply long for fulfillment and contentment. These things that I'm afraid of matter to me. It is not <i>all</i> bad. However, I don't want to miss out on the beauty of life because of fear. I do not want to be blind to God's story for me because I'm desperately seeking answers and control.<br />
I want to be more about trusting, and living loved, and less about fear. I want to show up more where I am, not where I wish I were. I want to be present in moments and relying less on the future I know nothing about.<br />
God's love does not run out. That is a promise.<br />
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<br />Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-63544895011072949702013-12-05T15:26:00.002-08:002013-12-06T11:59:07.224-08:00messy & beautifulRecently, I have felt constantly bombarded by the reality that life is hard and messy and broken.<br />
There are people I love who are deeply hurting, broken, and struggling. There are broken families and homes, people torn apart by messy relationships, and people turning their backs on God. On the news there are homicides all over Chicago and hundreds of horrible stories.<br />
I think I usually feel and internalize these things more than the average person. I tend to want to fix and make better and I want things to work. I long for harmony. But, I can't fix the world, or the people I care about who are hurting, I can only love them.<br />
I've caught myself saying so many times this week while talking to friends "why is life so messy?" or something along those lines. We need to be reminded of the beauty and goodness in life. I need to know that it will be ok. Because life is hard and messy and full of hurt.<br />
This is how I've been processing. If we look at life on a spectrum we can choose to live in the middle of the spectrum and numb ourselves, refuse to be vulnerable and refuse to acknowledge the hurting and the hard. Maybe this is easier because we just don't have to deal with it. Or we can choose to recognize the ways that life just sucks sometimes and that things are not how they are suppose to be. I think that if we do that, we are also open to experience the polar opposite side of the spectrum. If we understand that depth of the hard then I think we can truly believe in the beauty of the good. We can live presently in the beauty of the goodness and the freedom of redemption when we have felt the constraints of heartbreak and pain. Living in the middle of the spectrum only allows us to experience snippets and pieces. I want life to the full. Life that is hard but life that has depth and overflowing with joy, because <i>I</i> <i>get to live it</i>.<br />
I had my last day of hospice clinical today. I learned so much about life, while walking with and caring for those who are dying. It was a blessing and an experience I will never forget. It was a reminder that I cannot do it alone. I shrink and feel empty on my own, but I am sustained by God's love and promises. And I learned that it is so easy for me to put up walls because I am afraid to feel sad with a family or because I don't want it to be <i>uncomfortable</i>. However, it is so much more fulfilling to live vulnerable and just be uncomfortable. To enter in and to love-- not to fix-- but to just be human and love. The best experiences I had happened when I let my guard down and decided to say real and true things, not just the "right" thing, and when I looked into a patient's eyes or saw glimpses of their story. And how I learned over and over that God is with us, and he is for us. I see him in people's stories, in their tears and in their love for each other. I'm so thankful for that.<br />
I'm thankful that God knows what we need. I'm thankful that I am small and cannot do it on my own. I'm thankful that I get to live a life that doesn't just involve numbing myself to get by, but involves tears and aches but uncontrollable laughter and new love, and sustaining joy and whimsy.<br />
Life is messy, but it is so beautiful. I'm choosing to open my eyes and my heart to believe these truths day after day. Join me? I promise you won't regret it.<br />
<br />Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-73556639670097642002013-11-28T20:33:00.000-08:002013-11-28T20:33:12.539-08:00365 days of thanksgiving I love thanksgiving. It means family and friends around a table sharing a meal and conversation and intentionally gathering with hearts of thankfulness. But today I was wondering why we need a whole day devoted to "giving thanks." Wouldn't our lives be more full if our everyday echoed the ideals of Thanksgiving? I think so. I'm obviously not advising the abolition of Thanksgiving because I think it is a lovely day, but I want Thanksgiving the other 364 days of the year too. Probably without the excessive food consumption.<br />
I hope that I seek to experience the beauty and blessings of everyday. I want to be about celebrating and giving thanks for the little things in life that are really great and also for ordinary things that I so often take for granted.<br />
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<br />Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-55180552620966566092013-11-25T11:45:00.002-08:002013-11-25T11:45:31.250-08:00what i'm learningThe past season of my life has felt busy, overwhelming, and chaotic, but at the same time so blessed, fun, and exciting. I feel like most of life is busy, overwhelming and chaotic but I want to be more aware of the blessings, the fun, and the goodness in every moment.<br />
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I've been reflecting on what God is teaching me right now; about him, and also about myself. I know there is always something to learn, always somewhere to grow, and something to hear, but for a while I felt stuck. I prayed to be unstuck and I prayed for God to use me, to show me what I'm suppose to be doing, and to teach me. But mostly to experience him more. And I felt unanswered. I'm not sure I would've said that then, or admitted the scary reality that I was feeling distant from God, but I was. I never said it aloud, and never was mad at God, but I just had a longing for more of him. I felt like my desires for a deeper experience with God were not being quenched. I wanted movement.<br />
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Recently however, I've been reminded of God's true faithfulness and his plan for me. I've been reminded that waiting is not bad. Waiting is hard. Waiting for God, or for prayers to be answered, or for things to make sense is always hard. At least for me, because I am a generally impatient person. But <i>that place of waiting is where transformation happens, where hope brews and where I think the roots of true joy and thanksgiving grow</i>.<br />
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There is always movement in our lives. There was movement and growth when I felt distant from God and there is movement now when I feel overwhelmed by his presence and transformation.<br />
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I think I've also been realizing that we settle- a lot. We settle in various ways for various reasons, but none the less, we are all guilty of settling. And boy-oh-boy, does settling scare me. Kara and I were talking about how so often we take matters into our own hands to get what we want. Instead of being in the place of waiting for what might be, we jump prematurely to <i>where we think we want to be</i>. I say "where we think we want to be" because I think that we don't know what's best for ourselves. I am small and broken, but God is perfect and sovereign. It sounds cliche and overused because we hear all the time that "God has bigger plans for us." But, he does! Maybe even more, he has <i>plans for us on the journey</i>. He has answers to our questions in the waiting and he is guiding us when we don't know-- when I am calling out for more of him. And I think this all scares me because while the <i>waiting is so hard, the settling is so easy.</i> It is easy, but never best. And I don't want to live an easy life. I want a life that is challenging, but meaningful. I want to seek God in the unknown and dance in the joy of his faithfulness and blessings.<br />
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I've been learning that for basically my whole life, I've been living like the hard things in my life can be solved with a formula. For example "feelings of insufficiency cured with higher grades and a smaller dress size" or "loneliness and a desired to be known fixed with a boyfriend." And so, consequently I've been living my life in an attempt to make it easier by taking matters into my own hands, and while doing that I've sized God down. I've made him smaller out of fear that I might not get exactly what I want when I want it. Prayers become like kitchen orders, and life becomes about selfishly living and failing to acknowledge the perfectly intricate and beautiful plan that has been handcrafted for me. <br />
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Moreover, God doesn't work in formulas, he is the best author ever. The stories God has for our lives are filled with trials, hard things, and pain, and they are abundantly full of redemption, unconditional love and grace. Maybe the coolest part of this all is that <i>we don't even have to try out to be part of this beautiful story</i>, we just get to. Everyday I have the opportunity to <i>wake up to my life</i> and play my character in the story God has handcrafted for me. Feelings of "not being enough" are never cured with a number on a scale, or worldly successes, or by getting what we've "<i>always wanted". </i>Joy<i> </i>and fulfillment are not achieved with a list and a set of directions. And thank goodness for that because life would be way boring.<br />
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I'm discovering that what we want doesn't usually happen how we pictured. Life is messy and hard. But God works in the messy and broken and he makes beautiful things out of hard things. So i'm waking up to seeing the whole picture and living out the story. I'm sick of expecting my timing and what I've always wanted. Instead, I'm whole-heartedly experiencing the blessings that are in the right now. Chances are the story God is writing is a whole lot better than my simple formula for life.<br />
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All God ever wanted us to do is keep dancing, keep living. He will keep writing and I think He promises it. will. be. beautiful.Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-47815555369796963002013-09-17T21:42:00.000-07:002013-09-17T21:42:02.004-07:00nursing + entering inNursing school has been rough for a lot of reasons, but mostly I think because I've come to the deep realization of how hard and truly heartbreaking sickness can be. When I get asked why nursing I always say "I want my career to bring me purpose." I don't say that I expected my experiences to personally effect me so much--- every part of me.<br />
I never expected to leave a patient's room and feel overwhelmingly inspired by their immense joy outside their circumstances. I couldn't imagine how much a terminally ill cancer patient would teach me in her final months. But I never expected to have such a deep desire to fix people, and make them well, even when I know I have no control. I guess I never processed it. And I never expected to feel hopeless when I came to terms with the reality that I could not make them well.<br />
What I've really learned about nursing is that it truly involves entering into life with people. Walking through the happy moments of a birth and the terribly hard moments of cancer pain. So much of my life I've spent running away from discomfort, pain, and suffering. We all have. It's part of human nature-- we do whatever we can to protect ourselves from hurting. And in less than a year my job will be about people who are hurting, suffering, and struggling. I've learned that I don't want to run away from the discomfort, because I will not escape it. And really, I don't think it is what God wants us to do. Because with a mindset of fixing I will always be a failure. I believe with God there is hope, healing, love and peace.<br />
There will be a time when there is no more suffering, no more tears, or hurting, but for now I think my job (literally and figuratively) is to enter in to the suffering and stay with the people who need it most. I can only hope and pray that my actions, words, and presence will meet them where they are.<br />
I cannot fix people, I cannot wave my magic wand. I cannot tell the mother of my 18-month-old patient with a chronic disease that will end her life too soon, that I can make it all better. I can, however, be there with them, enter in to their lives for a long time, or just a few hours and love them. Love them in their hurt and their suffering. I learn so much in that place of being present and loving. More than when I numb myself because little me cannot change the hard things.<br />
I've questioned many times in the last three years whether or not I should become a nurse. And then there are days like today. When I see sick patients with big smiles and bigger hearts. It seems automatic to pray for them on my long walk down the hallway to nurses station. To pray for God's will to be done, for peace for them and their families, for healing, for love, and for God's presence. And for me, as much as I would love to say, praying is not my first reaction to hard things. A truth I've learned is that I cannot do life alone, which means I cannot be a nurse alone. I need jesus, and I need to continually, throughout the day faintly whisper "I trust you Jesus."<br />
I know that I was made to be a nurse when I drive home processing the day with a lump in my throat because of the brokenness and hurt in our world, but a deep and fulfilling warmth in my soul because I know that in the darkness there is light, and I feel that light maybe more then I ever have in my life.<br />
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THE LIGHT SHINES IN THE DARKNESS, AND THE DARKNESS HAS NOT OVERCOME IT. John 1:5Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-7415802954977563552013-08-22T21:59:00.001-07:002013-08-22T21:59:20.162-07:00enoughIt's late, but I wanted to write. School starts Monday and I move back tomorrow, I don't know how often I will get to write-- so I'm doing it now.<br />
I've been anxious to get back to school, to see friends and be settled before classes start, but I've also been dreading to leave. I will miss my family, home cooked meals, sleepovers at Mara & Kevin's, sweet little Avy, and my job. I will also miss the freedom that summer brings. Freedom from more than just school. There are no classes to study for and no tests to take, but for some reason, to me, Summer has more of a "come as you are" feeling than any other time of the year. Summer is good.<br />
Don't get me wrong, I love Fall too. I love the smell of Fall, crunchy leaves, chunky sweaters and, spicy teas, and anything pumpkin, but I don't like all of what Fall brings. I like to learn and I like to be at my beautiful school, but as I write this I feel the sense of do more, be more, get to work, that Fall brings.<br />
As most/all humans do, I struggle with feelings of not enough. It has looked different throughout my life, and now as a 21-year-old college students it looks like academics, achievements, success, and image.<br />
I'm reading <i>Daring Greatly, </i>by Brene Brown, and she talks about the human issue of enough. She talks about how our first thought in the morning is about scarcity-- we didn't get <i>enough</i> sleep, and then we don't have <i>enough</i> time-- and how this cycle continues throughout the day. I feel this most often when I am in the midst of the chaos and business of school. I feel like I don't get <i>enough</i> sleep and that I don't have <i>enough</i> time, but I also feel like the best version of myself, and my best work, is still not <i>enough</i>. I am surely my toughest critic, but throughout the day I am beating off the nagging voice that tells me, "study more, get better grades, exercise more, eat healthier, look more presentable (e.g., maybe not yoga pants everyday, Mal!), respond to emails faster, be a better roommate..." that little nagging voice seriously. doesn't. stop. But I think I'm changing that. Yes, I said it. I've just decided. I refuse to believe the voice of <i>not enough</i>.<br />
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This year, I want to believe that I am enough. Just as I am. Outside of my grades, my weight, my email-response speed, and so many other things about me that are not <i>perfect</i>.<br />
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There is a bigger truth, I have a God who beats out that nagging voice that is mean and wrong. He is my heavenly father, who created me and said that I am not just good, but very good (Gen 1:31). Who knows my deepest secrets and my desires, who knows my flaws and faults, and still believes that I am beautiful and perfect. And He calls me his beloved.<br />
I think that when I listen to the voice of <i>not enough</i> instead of the voice of <i>loved, </i>I miss out on life. I miss out on showing up and being present because I am too busy worrying about being better in that moment, in that classroom, at that meeting. And I miss loving people, because when you listen to voice of <i>not enough, comparison</i> and <i>jealously</i> come along for the ride. Suddenly, anything you previously going for you, looks plain lame compared to someone else. Instead of focusing on loving people well, I worry that I didn't do as well as they did on the exam, or that they look perfectly cute and put together and I look like I got 5 hours of sleep and concealed my dirty hair under my baseball hat. Life becomes a competition.<br />
Remember in swim lessons, when the teacher would tell you swim to them? "I'm right here, just swim right to me." And then the most terrifying thing would happen right when you were about to meet the "right here" point......... they took 5 steps back. What! My 4-year-old self would freak out. My 21-year-old self freaks out when I view things in life as a "right here" point. Like, success, and relationships. I can never keep up and I continue to be a failure if I believe that I am suppose to be perfect. I am just a work in progress, and I am doing my best. Swim lessons look different however, with people cheering you on and encouraging you and someone who loves you standing in the pool with their arms open saying "I've always been here waiting. I love you. You are good enough, you don't need to swim anymore. I have you." I think that is how God would be in the pool.<br />
As corny as my analogy is, I like it. I am just learning how to swim, I'm figuring it out, and learning how to live in the truth of my beloved-ness.<br />
I'm going to try to show up more just as I am, and listen to the "loved" voice, that tells me I am good enough, both, in my mess and on my best days.<br />
I am a dear child of God, I am beloved. So are you.<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">“First of all, you have to keep unmasking the world about you for what it is: manipulative, controlling, power-hungry, and, in the long run, destructive. The world tells you many lies about who you are, and you simply have to be realistic enough to remind yourself of this. Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: 'These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting belief.” </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">― </span>Henri J.M. Nouwen<span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World</i>Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-40335723946126190232013-08-07T21:40:00.000-07:002013-08-07T21:40:06.008-07:00 Dear KendallKendall,<br />
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I don't think you knew when we sat at that table in the dining hall of Castaway in August of 2011 how much you were impacting my life. While we sipped lemonade and ate chips you allowed me into your life and I am so thankful you did. I needed you then, I needed Jesus more, but I needed you to play a very important character in my story. The truth is, if it weren't for you, I don't think I would be a Young Life leader today, and I don't think I would be the person I am today either. You inspired me then, and you have inspired me everyday since then.<br />
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When I tell my story I say that the week I led your cabin at Castaway was one of the best weeks of my life, you probably didn't know that it was also one of the hardest. We laughed so hard as we went banana boating and ate ice cream by the beach, and I loved those moments! I would do it again in a heartbeat. At night we heard about the Gospel and <i>how very much we are loved </i>and in cabin time the 16 of us cried together, because life can be hard, because the hurt we feel is real, and because it is so apparent how much we all need Jesus.<br />
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I was there as a leader, but I felt like your joy and love for life was leading me in some ways, inspiring me to be better. Your love for Jesus was radiating from your smile, your leadership and the way you effortlessly loved those around you. You have not stopped being inspiring.<br />
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I had a hard summer, a hard year really, my freshman year of college had not been exactly what I imagined. I felt like I had lost a lot that year; a close group of friends, a long-time boyfriend, my popularity, and my comfort. My first year leading Young Life was hard too. Standing in a room of high schoolers felt intimidating and overwhelming and I didn't feel prepared or equipped to lead-- I was trying to figure out my relationship with Jesus too. I have never stopped believing since then that <i>Jesus doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called. </i><br />
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I think there are few moments in life that you can point to and say that is when it changed, one of mine happened that week at camp. During one of the leader meetings at Castaway we were talking about becoming fishers of men, and how Jesus told the disciples to let down their nets to follow him. He said that they needed to let go of their nets because he had something better in store. I remember sitting there crying, knowing that I had stuff in my net, things I wanted for myself that I was desperately clinging to, afraid that if I really, truly gave up control, and began listening to his call for me I would be disappointed. But I decided in that moment to let down my net --fully-- not like I had been for most of my life, but to really trust that He had greater things in store. I invited him into my brokenness to heal the cracks, and to fill my gaps of insufficiency, and to help me love others better, because <i>I couldn't do it alone and I was tired of trying to</i>. And oh, how He continues to show me everyday how wonderful life is with Him.<br />
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We both left changed from camp, with stories from the week written on our hearts and a new friendship evolving. One day you made me go zip-lining with you, I didn't necessarily<i> love</i> zip-lining, but I loved your desire to make life more fun. You weren't content sitting on the beach, you wanted to go and do, <i>you wanted a life of adventure and whimsy!!</i><br />
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I had the privilege of leading you, guiding you, loving you in the ways I was able, and gracefully loved me back and returned all the above. Looking back, I know the Lord was using you, not only that week, but everyday both in my life and the lives of so many others. I've loved every minute with you since, I feel so honored to have watched you grow into the beautiful person you are today.<br />
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It's been so lovely to do life with you. When I mention your name to my Mom, she tilts her head and smiles the same way almost every time, like she knows just how much to mean to me and the role you've played in my college experience. I remember one time I was studying for a Pathophysiology exam, I was in the basement of the library with my friends when you text me you needed to talk. They thought I was crazy for leaving, but I never questioned the importance of studying in that moment, because I am your young life leader, but more importantly your friend, and you are more valuable than any test or any grade. I will ditch studying for you anytime!<br />
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We have so many things in common, weird laughs, a love for dancing, a desire to live life to the full, and much more. I love that the Noodles & Co at Old Orchard mall is our place, and we go there and get Wisconsin Mac and Cheese together-- I will do that with you until we are 99 and 102-years-old. I love getting your sweet text messages during a hard day, or seeing you post something kind on Facebook letting a friend know that they are loved by you. You have a big heart, one overflowing with kindness and generosity, one that desires to serve and love "the least of these" (Matthew 25:40).<br />
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Selfishly, I want you to stay in Chicago, and not go away to Vanderbilt. I think you are too great to be shared. But I know that God is bringing you to new places to grow and to be challenged, just like I was brought to Loyola to be grown and challenged. Please know that I am a phone call away, or a 7 hour and 12 minute car ride (google map'd it baby). But please also know that no matter where you are, no matter how hard things get or how alone you feel, you have a friend who is much greater and wiser that I. He is the God of the Universe, and He is on your side today and always.<br />
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If there is one prayer I have for you it is that you never forget that your relationship with Jesus comes before all things. He is bigger then school, Young Life, clothes, relationships, success, money, friends, dreams, etc, etc. While at the same time He is working in the smallest details of your life, even when you cannot see it. And always, that you are incredibly, undeniably, unfathomably, and incomprehensibly loved-- God sent his one and only son to die for YOU, because God so LOVED you.<br />
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I love you, KJL!!</div>
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Our cabin at Castaway Club Young Life Camp! // Summer 2011</div>
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Kendall was there when I got baptized! // Fall 2012</div>
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When Kendall visited Timberwolf while I was on Summer Staff! // June 2013</div>
Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-30626978005606468452013-08-04T20:59:00.000-07:002013-08-04T20:59:18.540-07:00writing + livingI've been wanting to write a blog post for weeks. One that meant something to me, and possibly, hopefully something to someone else. I think it's because I've been inspired by so many gifted people whose words spark something inside of me<span style="background-color: white;">. I've read a lot of good books recently, and so many times I've been struck by sentences written by the author and have that thought of "Oh my gosh, I've totally felt this and thought I was the only one!" or "Yes, I really desire that too!" I always read with a highlighter or pen ready (probably a little bit of the inner nursing major in me) and I circle words, star paragraphs, and underline sentences, and sometimes I write "definitely" or "yes!!" in the margins when I really like something-- nerdy, I know, I hear about it when friends or roommates borrow by books. </span> A good book is like food for my soul when the letters on a page the speak to my heart. I will never be a great writer, or at least I highly doubt that! That is OK, I won't lose sleep over that. But I love to put the thoughts that swirl in my head all day or the things I have heavy on my heart, in words and on pages.<br />
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Prayers and conversations with God seem so much more real and meaningful to me when I write them down. I also love to look back on what I write. It is so easy for me to forget where I have been, and even easy to become ungrateful for the change and growth in my life, but words capture my past and show glimpses of who I am becoming.<br />
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Often though, I battle the voice that tells me that what I want to write and what I have to say, do not matter. So I don't blog, because I believe the lie that my words carry no <i>value</i>. I don't write because I'm afraid of being disappointed by myself, or what others will think. Much like other things in my life, <i>I don't fill-in-the-blank because I am afraid. </i>I have grand ideas and hopes, but days go by and my life seems more like a boring list of chores and emails sent instead of the story I'm hopeful of living. I think truly the only person that is holding me back is actually me.<br />
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When I drive myself to Chicago and back or wherever, I like to listen to audiobooks-- I'm like an old woman. In the spring I listened to <i>A Million Miles in a Thousand Years</i> by Donald Miller, and then this past week I listened to it again while I traveled for a work trip because it is so good. I love it. I have the hard copy too, but got around to listening to it before actually reading it. The book is about how Donald Miller, while make <i>Blue Like Jazz</i> into a movie, learned about the story he was telling while "editing his life." He talks about heartbreak, and taking risks, and how stories are made when characters must work to overcome conflict, and the growth that ensues. So many times while listening I want to call up a friend and say "Let's do this. Let's hike in Peru, or drop everything and go on a mission trip around the world, or let's better serve those in our neighborhood!" And so many times I cry while driving down the highway, because the words he has written describe feelings I know so well, and are such deep truths that I want all people to know and experience.<br />
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I'm in such a time in my life where I feel like there are many decisions to be made and many questions asked of me about my future. Where I will live, or what I will do, or who I will be with. And to be honest, I think at this point I have fewer of those answers then I ever have before. I feel lost in a lot of decisions but I feel confident in one thing; I have an incredible desire to not just go through the motions of life. I know that where I have had the most fun, learned the most, made the best relationships have been through risks. I want to live a life of meaningful experiences. Obviously, not every moment of every day will have some spectacular meaning but I do believe that beauty and growth can be found in the mundane if we are willing to look. More than that, I believe that God calls us to a life of risk and a life of adventure. I am not called to a sedentary human. I want my everyday to radiate liveliness and love. I want to be busy making memories, not busy making lists. I want to see the good in everyday, and when I experience hard things, I want to be present and grow in those places. And I want to love better-- Jesus, my friends, my family, people I know deeply and people I don't know at all.<br />
So this is my very small step to living a better story, to fearlessly write, today and hopefully more often.<br />
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<b><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">"You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural. </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">You are more than dust and bones.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">You are spirit and power and image of God.</span><br style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;" /><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">And you have been given Today.”</span></b><br />
<a href="http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/425914.Shauna_Niequist" style="background-color: white; color: #666600; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px; text-decoration: none;">Shauna Niequist</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">, </span><i style="background-color: white; color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"><a href="http://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/800906" style="color: #666600; text-decoration: none;">Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life</a></i>Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-35441233788531121942013-07-25T21:29:00.001-07:002013-07-25T21:29:14.549-07:00this blog still existsI'm going to try to start blogging again. For a lot of reasons, I think, but I think also because I am really starting to believe that life is happening right now. Even when it seems like I am waiting for something bigger to happen. I know that if I am open to opportunity and if I look around I will, in fact, believe that there are extraordinary things happening on this oh-so-very-boring-day. So this can be a place to document that. I reread all my old blog posts a couple weeks ago and while reading I remembered how freeing it was to write, and at the same time how incredibly vulnerable it makes me feel. I am willing to risk vulnerability to learn more about Jesus and about life and about who I am and what am I doing here. Most good things in life are hard, and I am OK with that.Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-64875261586760762742012-10-01T14:04:00.002-07:002012-10-01T14:04:58.822-07:00young liferecently i've been reflecting on why i lead young life. young life takes up a big portion of my time and my life and i think it is good to think about why i'm doing what i'm doing, how it is affecting me and why i love it so much.<br />
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if you don't know what young life is (i only have about 2 readers, so you probably do) here is a brief run-down. young life is an outreach youth ministry that involves meeting high school kids where they are in their faith and walking with them, loving them well and showing them who jesus christ is and what that means for their lives through your relationship. my young life leader in high school pushed me in my faith and although i had heard the stories in church and read the bible sometimes, it was really katie (my yl leader) who made me want more.<br />
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i started officially leading young life in january of my freshman year. slightly lost and with big self-worth issues i dove into a highly affluent high school trying to make relationships and show kids who jesus was when i myself was having a rough year. it was hard. really hard. i could've easily just said "ya, this isn't for me," but for some reason i didn't. best decision ever. i started building relationships slowly and got to take 14 girls to camp that summer. i knew when i sat in the camp dining hall late one night eating chips and salsa and drinking lemonade with kendall as we talked about life and high school and good stuff and hard stuff that this experience, these girls, these leaders, but most importantly, jesus, were changing me. for the better.<br />
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this past friday at our first leadership of the year we talked about why we lead young life... why we drive 30 mins each way to get ice cream with girls. or why we spend sunday night and monday night in basements laughing, playing weird games, singing too loud and talking about who jesus really is. why i wake up at 6:20 on friday mornings to get bagels and study the bible when i could just sleep until class at noon.<br />
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i think it all boils down to this-- i am loved so i love.<br />
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i've seen and felt what god has done to my heart, and my life. i know how he redeems and renews. i acknowledge that without him, without the promise of his son, i would be worthless, and despite my broken and sinful nature because of this promise, he loves me still. in fact, he loves me so much that i cannot grasp or understand that love. and with jesus i am enough, i am worthy, i am whole and i am remade. every day. every minute of every day, i am his beloved.<br />
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so because of this promise jesus made and because i am so loved, i love. because in the bible we are called to be his ambassadors. to share the works of christ in our lives to others. because he loves us so much, we must love others in the same way that he loves us. a big task.<br />
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i am not the best young life leader and i will never be. but i do know this, these girls have taken a big spot of my heart. i love them a lot. i love that we are really silly and laugh so hard together. and that i get to walk with them through really awesome fun things and support them and share their burdens in the really hard and messy parts of life. these girls challenge me to be better so that i can show them christ in the most real and true sense.<br />
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the role of a young life leader is really a beautiful thing. i am not their parent or sister or best friend or school counselor or coach. i am none of those things. i do not get angry when they hurt my feelings or expect something out of them like any other conditional relationship. it is legit and full of a lot of love. and here is the other thing, maybe my favorite-- i get to show them grace, when they screw up or break my heart it doesn't change our relationship. because i know when they make bad decisions or stray away from god he doesn't get mad, but he says "i love you so much, and my heart is breaking for you, i want something so much better than this for you. and i am the only one who can give that to you." and that, my friends is such a beautiful thing. i get to love them because of that and try to show them this earthy picture of what god's love is like.<br />
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i am not perfect and this hard, but god is perfecting me and i am learning more and more about who jesus is as i walk with these girls and as i try to love them well and show them grace. i am so thankful for them and for this ministry god has called me to be a part of.Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-16514728816858416162012-09-27T18:51:00.000-07:002012-09-27T18:51:01.643-07:00good to be back.hi. it feels good to be back sitting down to blog, and intentionally sit down to blog. i haven't blog in exactly five months... but, it's never too late to start up again, right? i think so. this summer i wrote about 7 drafts... all 7 never were published, and that was intentional, but i don't know why. i didn't think they made sense or didn't like what they said or didn't like the vulnerability the posts made me feel. but i am over it now, and ready to blog again. thank goodness for that.<br />
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a lot has changed in the past five months. my summer was crazy and good and busy and relaxing. i spent a month at a young life camp in north carolina serving, and i learned so much in that month. i learned about who i am and who god is calling me to be. i learned about patience and waiting for the lord. i was loved well and encourage by so many friends, enriched with real conversations and the spirit working through each and every person there with me. i woke up before sunrise and worked in a hot kitchen, singing and dancing like crazy, laughing harder than ever and feeling like i was exactly where i was suppose to be. i learned that i am a daughter of the king, and that no matter how anyone has ever made me feel, i am enough. i am loved and adored by the king of the universe. so much change and goodness that came out of a month. i am incredibly thankful for that place and those people and the work that took place in my heart there.<br />
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carnival/tableau night. this is one of my favorite pictures from summerstaff. so much fun. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ28L-1ClssfzguG0WaghIRgseRc_yWOtzp3d_6Wli4pvE4bXFrNI9KpddH6QiGl4ulnKBmaZH-27FaF92s0QYnkvDxKZNOu7LedshaeF2ACk_X-oJzCT6tMGJN10ms1uvLaNf9qIeaCc/s1600/564492_3670085903156_1440787667_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="497" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQ28L-1ClssfzguG0WaghIRgseRc_yWOtzp3d_6Wli4pvE4bXFrNI9KpddH6QiGl4ulnKBmaZH-27FaF92s0QYnkvDxKZNOu7LedshaeF2ACk_X-oJzCT6tMGJN10ms1uvLaNf9qIeaCc/s640/564492_3670085903156_1440787667_n.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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the beautiful place i called home for a month. windy gap.</div>
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me and my sweet friend maddy. god is so good.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8EWUK0T1rwOYNwbcO9UmBW76BK6OQhR3bWLhcVTCJgjPgr5jGOwf8OoTZEF-oL1rZpmmExmxIm9oKY0RjQLzApF9IiOHSDO3gzuA-EdnxVIEb6MpdhFM4fMZvSZzvdOSmmSAInEcgDk0/s1600/IMG_1271.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8EWUK0T1rwOYNwbcO9UmBW76BK6OQhR3bWLhcVTCJgjPgr5jGOwf8OoTZEF-oL1rZpmmExmxIm9oKY0RjQLzApF9IiOHSDO3gzuA-EdnxVIEb6MpdhFM4fMZvSZzvdOSmmSAInEcgDk0/s640/IMG_1271.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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oh, and i also got baptized. i've thought about it for a while, and one sunday at church they said that they were baptizing, and they had clothes and towels ect. it was spontaneous and beautiful and such an amazing feeling. it will serve as a constant reminder that god makes me new, he is making me new. such a blessing to be surrounded by good friends as i was washed new and redeemed by a merciful god who is so full of love.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfvGhp_wtF5-1j3BHEONaSPf3y3xiiLyVLI4rA4Z2khtzrCGNzzEOKHSiSMsfsVXvWZrU7nWsr1Zf1qBKOih_nhvhkKvicBKeDkI4uNuB53ozDFggt2NsAqoid9nfjJjWwoRt9M48QUlQ/s1600/IMG_9841.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="478" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgfvGhp_wtF5-1j3BHEONaSPf3y3xiiLyVLI4rA4Z2khtzrCGNzzEOKHSiSMsfsVXvWZrU7nWsr1Zf1qBKOih_nhvhkKvicBKeDkI4uNuB53ozDFggt2NsAqoid9nfjJjWwoRt9M48QUlQ/s640/IMG_9841.JPG" width="640" /></a></div>
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i'm excited to watch this blog/space grow. happy that this can serve as a tangible reminder and memory of how the lord is working in my life/heart/and the people around me.<br />
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more on the real desires of our hearts and my new home tomorrow :)<br />
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<br />Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-62562757725134777592012-04-27T18:18:00.000-07:002012-04-27T18:19:08.709-07:00so close and so fartoday is a big day! it marks the last day of classes of my sophomore year of college. i am almost half-way done with nursing school which is really great for a lot of reasons and i think this day warrants some reflection.<br />
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i am so close to the end of finals. so close to moving home. so close to this summer and for all the wonderful adventures and lessons and i will learn. </div>
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BUT i am so far from where i was at this time last year in so many ways and i am incredibly grateful for that. i like lists and i think that this is an appropriate time for one!</div>
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in no particular order thoughts on how i am feeling now:</div>
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1) happy and relieved and proud that i am on the home stretch of this semester... the one that everyone said was the hardest and practically impossible.</div>
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2) anxious about what it will look like moving back home and practically living out of a suitcase for a whole summer.</div>
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3) thankful for this year and the redemption and growth that have accompanied it.</div>
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4) hopeful that my faith will continue to be strengthened and rooted deeply in the love of the lord. (Ephesians 3:14-19).</div>
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5) blessed for all the people who have come into my life this year. the people who have been by my side when i am weak, stressed, hurt. and that they have loved me so well. you have not left me unchanged... you know who you are :)</div>
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6) excited for summer staff. like really excited, cannot contain my excitement, giddy excited. </div>
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7) humbled and grateful for the challenges that have put in my life. the hurt and the brokenness and the healing and growth that has transpired from that.</div>
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8) sad that i am leaving good friends here. i am sad that i will not be able to have slumbies at Alaynah's, go get cheeseburgers with Sar, drive to and from yl club with Kats17 and talk about life, hang out at bethesda with heather until too late, drive to church with Erin and laugh, coffee dates and late night studying and so many more!!!</div>
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9) not looking forward to missing young life. i will miss the pre-club dinners where we talk and laugh and hang out with families. i will miss club and being crazy and singing call me maybe at the top of my lungs and talking to girls about their days/lives. and leadership, ahhh leadership, all of it. i like it a lot.</div>
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10) really excited and at peace about next year because i will being living with 4 other wonderful girls who are intentionally living to follow jesus. i am so excited to name our apartment, have community dinners, dance parties, good conversations and good friends to do life with :) i know a lot of good things will come out of this!</div>
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a lot to be happy about. i am full and thankful for grace and transformation while looking back at this year. it is weird to reflect on how i remember feeling this time last year; hurt, betrayed, unworthy, confused, and desperately seeking answers. and now knowing that these feelings were not ignored, but dealt with and explored and i am stronger because of that. </div>
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<br /></div>Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-23284425753605734392012-04-22T21:34:00.000-07:002012-04-22T21:34:53.317-07:00prayer v. talkingi saw this graphic on pinterest the other day that said "have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?" this stopped me and made me think... and it has been on my mind ever since.<br />
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i don't pray as much as i should and i'm going to try to change that. i forget to pray or i get busy. i fall asleep or my mind wanders. lots of distractions and excuses can take the place of prayer.<br />
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my first instinct when i am upset about something is to text my best friend or call my mom or go for a run. which are all earthy things that i convince myself will make me feel better and in someway ameliorate the situation. but i am learning that i need to have more faith and more courage to lift up the things heavy on my heart and to trust God with all aspects of my life. to talk less and listen more to the lord. this season of my life seems unsettling and shifting and a growing phase and i like that, but it can be hard. i do not know what this summer will really be like, i am so excited for the things to come, but i begin to plan out what will come of it when i should be praying for strength and patience and to be prepared and faithful in what will be. some relationships in my life seem unsure and changing and this is scary to me. in those relationships i need god's presence walking beside me through those relationships and to be obedient to the lord.<br />
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all of these things that are unknown to me and make me uncomfortable are pushing me closer to Jesus and i love this. it is hard but i love that i am becoming more and more aware that i cannot do it alone, i cannot be strong and graceful by myself.<br />
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tonight at campaigners we wrangled the kids enough (tonight was extra crazy!) to write individual letters to God. i wrote one too and i found myself very aware that i recently have relied on my own understanding, on my own planning, on lists and ideas and dreams. but i have chosen to live my life for Christ, following him wholeheartedly which means that i will give up my plan knowing and believing that his is better. and there is so much beauty in that... in letting go and letting god, in talking less and praying more.<br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="text Phil-4-6" id="en-NLT-29409">Don’t worry about anything; instead, <i>pray about everything</i>. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.</span></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;"><span class="text Phil-4-7" id="en-NLT-29410"><sup class="versenum" style="font-size: 0.75em; line-height: normal; vertical-align: top;">7 </sup>Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.</span></span></span></b><br />
<b>-Philippians 4:6-7</b><br />
<br />Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-4260233393857438072012-04-19T16:11:00.001-07:002012-04-19T16:11:40.493-07:00no little thingtoday has been one of those days. where things just don't work. e.g., my computer broke the week before finals... not ideal. and as i was taking the el thirty minutes and walking to the apple store in the cold chicago wind-- it is not 64 degrees like the weather said-- i was thinking about how annoyed and frustrated i was with today. it was annoying that instead of doing the things i actually had planned for today i had to go get my computer fixed and walk in the cold. and then i thought more about how dumb that is. today is the only April 19, 2012 that i ever get to live. every little thing in today is a gift.<br />
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i watched a video this past weekend about every moment in each day, the good and the bad are one of a kind. they might not ever happen in this life again-- that is a big deal. kinda cool and kinda scary. it makes me want to be grateful for everything that i am humanly selfish about. so many times i have disliked a situation or a test or a day or the weather. but everything is created and planned by God above-- i fully believe that. however, i am not always the best at intentionally being thankful for it all. there have certainly been hard times/stages in my life that i really didn't like but throughout i tried hard to be grateful. maybe i did not necessarily love it, but grateful for the lessons i learned or the way i was loved through that hard time. how i was changed and transformed because of those hard seasons. and i think this can translate into other parts of our life. if i can be grateful to the lord when my heart is breaking i should be thankful for the small things that are seemingly insignificant. i want to be happy and grateful for every gust of cold wind that blows across my cheeks and every thunderstorm that is not given credit for its magnificence. i want to celebrate when i get an extra tasty soy latte or when i get to wear my favorite pair of jeans. not that i don't always love those things, but i do not always fully appreciate them. the little things really. it is the small, trivial, daily things that add up to moments and days and years and our life. the good and the bad, all a gift that we are lucky enough to experience.<br />
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i want live in that. i want to be joyful that God lets me see and do amazing things every day. i want to have peace knowing that it all comes from above, pre-planned, and is bigger than i can imagine. soak it up. this is a good life and the only life we get here.<br />
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<a href="http://vimeo.com/8189067" target="_blank">This is the video if you want to watch it!</a>Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-58051078085418049982012-04-15T15:27:00.001-07:002012-04-15T15:27:45.161-07:00loving and belonginglately, i've been thinking a lot about loving people well. i know that we all want to be loved. we are pre-programmed to need, strive for and give love. and thankfully, we are adored by a God above, we are loved so well by him. and we are called in this life to love others-- whether that is easy or not. i'm not always good at this. and recently i have been reminded of how hard it is to love people who have hurt you.<br />
people who you trusted and people who have sinned against you. this can cut deep, i think everyone has or will experience this.<br />
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i was feeling a little off this weekend at some points. just kind of tired and hard on myself. my friend heather gave me a book to read and although i only read a few pages it ready got me thinking. in the chapter i read it talked about fitting in v. belonging. i think that this plays a big part in how we love ourselves and how we accept love from above and from others.<br />
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this weekend i was at a young life student staff conference which was really great for a lot of reasons and hard at the same time. i love young life and i love the part in my story that young life has played. but a post on this to come! anyway, this weekend is that it left me with a lot of thoughts. thoughts about how to lead others as a follower of christ, thoughts about how i need to evaluate how i follow jesus is some ways how i do ministry and what that looks like in the lives of high schoolers. i have become aware of my selfishness in loving others and my intense need to be loved and how i am sometimes reluctant and refuse to believe i am good enough to believe that i am really love-- wrong wrong wrong. this is just a lie!<br />
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we strive as humans to fit in, to become something we are not to fit in. but belong involves a peace with who we truly we are. we do not need to change or become anything. belonging does require us to <i>be</i> who we are. <-- this is what heather's book was talking about.<br />
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so true. as a person we are made my a perfect god. we are born belonging. we do not need to adapt to become someone who can be loved. in my wretched and broken state. in my talk-too-loud-say-too-much state i am loved. in my self-doubt and selfishness i am forgiven and loved.<br />
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whatever it is that you feel you need to change to be loved, whatever you think you need to be. <i>you don't</i>. you are loved <i>now. <b>both today and always with an everlasting and overflowing love.</b></i><br />
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<b>the lord appeared to us in the past, saying: "i have loved with an everlasting love; i have drawn you with lovingkindness." -- Jeremiah 31:3</b><br />
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<br />Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-58135869970224115682012-04-02T13:05:00.002-07:002012-04-03T21:40:43.364-07:00getting what you think you wanti've been humbled and grateful during this season of my life in the change of heart i've had about my plans. i've said it before and i will say it again, i want to know what comes next. what will be. where i'll end up. with whom. doing what. there are so many unanswered questions that float around in my head, and i'm sure there are unanswered questions that float around in your head too. thing is, we don't always get the answer to those questions. and sometimes we don't get the answer that we wanted-- the answer that we thought was best. sometimes things in our lives don't work out the way we planned, or the way we wanted them.<br />
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getting use to this is tough. and i think it is something that happens in all stages of life. at every age, decision, goal, plan, moment things don't happen how we want 100% of the time. but how to we cope with that? how do we deal with and if necessary, pick of the pieces and start a new plan for what we want to happen now? <i>with faith.</i><br />
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i came into college with a big plan. partially a product of not being fully satisfied in high school and partially a product of feeling not good enough and thinking that if this plan worked out i would be loved... an idea of perfection. well, i tried that plan. i spent late nights studying and striving for perfection in my classes. i had to get a's-- there was no question. i compromised my social life and waited for a boy far away to want me back. i dressed in clothes that i thought other people wanted me to wear, not necessarily what i wanted. i tried to put this image up of having it together and being happy because that was what my plan was. to get good grades, and look good on paper, to find a perfect job post-grad or get into a grad school that was known, somewhere where i felt important.<br />
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but that plan didn't work. it wasn't fulfilling and it left me empty and hurt. i was setting myself up for failure-- to a standard that was unacheivable, because nothing was ever <i>good enough</i>.<br />
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since then, since last spring i have learned so much. i have learned about myself, my soul and my faith. i have changed and grown and i am so blessed because of that.<br />
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on friday i spent the night at my sweet friend Alaynah's and we layed in bed and stayed up too late and talked about change and growth. and we cried together and we were real and true. we shared things about how different our lives have become.<br />
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i told her that i felt that my heart and my goals and my aspirations have changed-- a ton a ton a ton. that more and more i am living my life for the Lord, and striving for a better relationship day. and that because of this my goals and my plans and my outlooks have changed, and i have never been so at peace with anything else in my life. yes, i am scared, really scared, because this is new and not anything that i was set up to think or that the world tells me i should think. i am told to look for success and for a perfect husband and for a life that "looks good." instead i will wait for a job that suits me and is fulfilling and for grades that show i am doing my best and for a boy that loves me for me-- not what he wants me to be. i will wait until God puts someone special in my life who makes me think hard about faith and forces me to be better, who will laugh with me and who will cry with me. Not someone who is consumed by perfection or striving for more but someone who is at peace, someone who makes me calm.<br />
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all of this is a product of faith. a product of being broken down-- being slapped across the face when i felt empty and realizing i was doing it all wrong. and learning that we are not in control. some people disagree, but i think we have spent ages and ages trying to figure out how to do things better the human way and we have failed again and again.<br />
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<b>my point is that we don't always get what we want</b>. everybody has experienced that. but because of the consequential <i>failure or emptiness and hurt</i> that comes out of that we are <b>forced to grow</b>. i am thankful that i have been there to that empty and hurt place. i am thankful that i have been transformed by his love and gained faith and hope. i am glad and excited that i have a new mindset on life, on love and on the future. although it is scary and unknown, i am not alone in this, and i will be obedient to God and i will be rewarded and taken care of because of that.<br />
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<b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 16px;">"Seek me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece." -<i>Jesus Calling</i>, by Sarah Young</span></span></b>Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-2473825920439273022012-03-30T08:58:00.001-07:002012-03-30T08:58:03.937-07:00being stillthese past two weeks have been crazy. filled with double the amount of exams than i have classes-- how does that even happen? along with tests and reading assignments quizzes, there have been meetings and deadlines and emails to respond to. i have felt that for the past two weeks i have simply not stopped moving. for some reason i've been constantly reminded of the importance of being still. being still in the midst of a crazy life can sometimes seem impossible, or just not an option but i think it is ever so important. i don't think that i can describe the feeling of being still-- not that i have perfected it by any means-- but i have certainly tried to find rest and peace when things around me are out of my control and i cannot keep up. it feels good and serene and real.<br />
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i have been making an effort for the past month to spend time alone with God. to learn to be still and at peace with his plan for me. on wednesday night, while taking a study break from patho i walked out of the library, in front of the lake to the beautiful chapel on Loyola's campus to go to a prayer meditation service called <a href="http://www.taize.fr/en">Taize</a>. it felt nice just be to out of the library, but it also felt soothing and peaceful to talk to the Lord, lift up the things weighing on my heart, and be still. every Taize i have been to has started with singing of "be still and know that i am God." i love that. i often am not still, because i want to plan and i want to know what will come next and what will be. the quietness and peace in the chapel somehow gives me the strength and courage to know and understand that i am little. and more importantly be ok with that littleness. i cannot carry my burdens alone... neither can you. we are only human and our world is busy and complicated and out of our control.<br />
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i want to be still and know that He is God. and he is good. and that is such a blessing.<br />
<br />Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-77463850734466634782012-03-26T21:12:00.002-07:002012-03-26T21:12:25.479-07:00forgiveness.the process of forgiveness has been a trend of my life for the past six months. trying to forgive someone who once loved me well and betrayed me. trying to forgive myself. trying to forgive the situation i put myself in and also the aftermath of that situation. i do not believe that when you say you forgive someone, the process is over. not even a bit. i think that forgiveness involves enormous amounts of grace and generosity. and i think that it is usually best to forgive even if we feel like we didn't do anything wrong.<br />
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i woke up this morning angry and sad. and i am neither an angry or a sad person, so this is weird. i had been having bad dreams about a month ago and i would wake up and be reminded of that hurt, and betrayal and ache and it all felt too real again. it was in many ways like a scab being torn off. unfortunately i had another dream last night, and i continue to be amazed at how real these dreams feel. and that just sucks. these dreams are bittersweet. what i mean by that is that these dreams are seriously annoying but they force me to process and think, which involves me forgiving and healing and moving forward.<br />
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i think that my nature is to push the things that hurt or are hard away and tell myself that my time frame for healing and forgiving is up, that i'm passed the point and that i should even being feeling hurt, or angry or broken or whatever. and that's just wrong. i talked to my friend <a href="http://samsstorybook.wordpress.com/">Samantha</a> about this about a month ago, and i am so thankful for that conversation. she is wise and has been hurt and grown and forgiven. Sam encouraged me to think about why i was mad. after thinking a lot and journaling and praying i came to some solid conclusions:<br />
1) i'd loved more than i ever had before and was not loved back well, or at all<br />
2) i trusted more than i ever had before and was betrayed more than ever<br />
3) i was told things that just weren't true and promises were broken and a friendship dissolved<br />
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but what does all this mean now? i don't think i will ever know fully why God put this in my life but i can tell you that i am sure as heck glad he did! weird right?<br />
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that this past of mine that hurts is part of my story, it will always be part of my story, and that is ok. i am who i am today because of this. i am better today because of yesterday. BUT, this sticky past full of mistakes and heartbreak does not have to be who i am. <i>that does not define</i> <i>me</i>. i am confident that Jesus put me in this uncomfortable place and i am confident that by leaning on Him i got out of that place, and i am confident that he used that to change my heart. i am positive He will continue to do so.<br />
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i have been praying to be able to forgive for a long time. i pray for things like that he finds Jesus and knows the love that He can give. i pray that he knows i have forgiven him.<br />
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i don't want to feel bitter or hatred, that's not me. a song by Drew Holcomb, called <i>Resurrected</i> says in the lyrics "i need to sleep in forgiveness, i need to be healed of this hate. i need to be resurrected on judgement day." it's a good song, and i really like Drew Holcomb so its a win-win. what this means to me is that i cannot do this alone, i am little, and the hurt that i feel is big and i cannot fix myself. i've tried. i've done the things that i thought would "make it better." little, ignorant and prideful human things. however, jesus is so much bigger and i have invited him into the depths of me and heal and help me forgive and help me be graceful in that. i don't think that i can be done or fully move on until i forgive. this song also reminds me that i am have sinned as well. i've done things that were wrong and said unkind words and handled situations badly. i did what i thought was best, not what i knew Jesus was calling me to do. and i have been hard on myself because of that, really hard. i need to forgive myself too. i have been forgiven and loved by the Lord and so now i will forgive and love, however hard that may be.<br />
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<b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"> -- C.S. Lewis</span></i></b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span></span><br />
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<br />Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-18070298500051155432012-03-25T14:41:00.001-07:002012-03-25T17:48:55.238-07:00a soul worth tending<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">"You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, <i><b>a soul worth tending</b></i>, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">You are more than dust and bones.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">You are spirit and power and image of God.</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"> </span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"><br /></span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">And you have been given Today.”</span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">-- Shauna Niequist, <i>Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life</i></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">i like this quote a lot. i like the book a lot too, and if you haven't read it you should. meaning, today go get it and read it. i like this book to the extent that i think i reference it so much that people get sick of it and me talking about it. it's filled with little bits of wisdom. things that we often forget and need reminders of. reminders like in the midst of it all, this crazy busy life, we have a soul worth tending. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">i'm realizing this more and more these days. that i have a soul worth tending. that i get caught up in my busyness. between young life and nursing school and attempting to have a life and i sometimes feel that i am really tired. not just physically run down-- i mean let's be honest, i could always go for a nap-- but actually drained and tired inside. i think that this is normal and that it happens to everyone but i'm learning more and more how to recognize this and how to be full and alive inside. how to rest. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif; font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">i dont want to just go through the motions, which i think sometimes i do, we all do. sometimes i wake up and i dont want to go to class and then i want it to be over asap and i dont want to have to go to boring meetings or turn in assignments and fill out paperwork for clinical next fall. but that is not the way it should be. i'm guilty of not fully appreciating this life sometimes. i am easily brought down by the stress of it all and i feel surrounded by people at school who seem to be striving for perfection. striving for perfect grades and to have it all together. which i just don't get why we even, in the first place, put that on ourselves. we are not meant to be perfect. God does not need us to get all A's or "have it all together," and afterall he is who i am living for. He loves me if i am a mess 99% of the time and only do so-so in all my classes and don't go to the gym for a week straight and haven't done laundry in about 2.65 weeks. He still loves me just the same. He still loves <i>you</i> just the same. so frankly, i really think that this whole striving thing that we do as humans is dumb. i once read that we should save our best striving for developing our relationship with Jesus, and i really like that. i use that sentence as a little reminder of my priorities. that is how i want to live my life. that is how my soul will flourish. waking up every morning and striving for the Lord, for a better relationship, to be closer to him and to trust my whole life to him. </span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">i've felt over the past year my heart change, my soul change. i guess i don't know how to describe it. i told one of my close friends that when i see a picture of myself from a year ago i don't recognize that girl, i don't feel like that girl. it's not that i don't look the same, i am changed. just different i think. i'm not done yet, we are growing and changing our whole lives. constantly. dynamically changing. and the change that i have felt most is that i am trusting God more and more with big things in my life.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">i don't care as much about school, i mean i still try and i always want to do my best, but i'm realizing and learning that <i>my best is enough. </i>i do not worry so much about my future or what that holds, but i am constantly comforted by knowing and trusting that i do not have to plan. worrying and stressing over the little things quickly piles up. piling up to the point where i begin to tire, and become weary. which is just not worth it! </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">i'm surrounding myself with people who love me well. and people who i love and that i can talk to them about real, good things, people who know me. people who make me laugh, a lot. i saw this quote on pinterest by Marcel Proust: "let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." good friends, less stress, more faith. i want to take to plan last minute lunch dates and eat yummy food and have good conversations, and i am ok with pushing back my studying a couple of hours to talk about life over coffee drinks... this makes me happy. this makes me full and this helps me to live my life for christ better. i want to wake up early and go read a devotional by the lake in the peaceful morning and i want to skip study groups to go to young life and laugh and be silly. on paper, to most people, it may seem like i am doing this all wrong. and i am so ok with that. today is the only today we get, and today i want to strive for the lord, i want to seek him first and foremost. i want to make memories and stories and follow my dreams and believe that the Lord our God is constantly watching over me, that i will be rewarded and protected if i am faithful. that my heart will be full and my soul will be tended to. </span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">i have a soul worth tending. you do too.</span></span><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: #181818; font-family: georgia, serif;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;">mal</span></span>Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1370159019942342438.post-63226355134023333202012-03-23T22:12:00.000-07:002012-03-23T22:14:31.227-07:00what this is...it's been in my head and in my heart for a while to start a blog. which i don't really know why because i'm not a great writer and i don't always feel like i have the best things to say, or that i know how to say what i'm thinking. but... here it is. as you obviously have realized by now, i started one. on a whim. i don't know what i will write about and i don't know when i will find time to write and i'm sure this will distract me from studying-- which i'm not too upset about.<br />
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this feels good to me and so unfamiliar which i think is fitting because i think unfamiliar and new are good words to describe the way my life has felt over the past year. i've been heartbroken and hurt. i've been hard on myself and felt unworthy. but i've been redeemed and renewed and loved well. i am so thankful and joyful because of that. yes, this is a place where i will write about me, but i am not telling my story, i am telling the story of jesus and who he is and the grace and love and hope that he brings to my life. i've learned a lot about that this year, more than any other year of my life. i think i need a place for that. a place to share and think and process and remind myself and rejoice at how we can be <i>made new</i>.<br />
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i've started reading blogs this past year, mostly thanks to my friend Sarah :) and i've learned a lot from hearing other people's stories. i like that. because after all, we're all doing this thing called life. but, somewhat selfishly, i think this is mostly for me and this new phase of my life. but i'd love to share it with you if you are willing to put up with my...</div>
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1) goofiness-- yes, i do love to talk about real and hard things and things that mean so much to me deep down in my soul. but, i am weird and goofy and say silly things and maybe things that dont make complete sense. </div>
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2) honesty-- i would like to think that i tell it like it is. i don't see why not. maybe that's because that is the way i was raised or that i just dont get why not tell the whole truth, ya know? but this is me and like so many things in our lives that surround us, this will not be fake. this is genuine, real and whole. </div>
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3) repition-- i'm probably going to say the same thing twice for a couple reasons. one, i have a bad memory. two, i like to think about things, and that involves me thinking about them more than once, so chances are, i will talk about the things on my mind and my heart more than once. three, my life is busy and crazy and i'm kinda scattered but i kind of like that. </div>
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4) being a nursing major-- ok, i'm no writer. the extent of my paper writing involves me writing assessments on patient health. this is a lot, a lot different. and i won't use proper grammer, and i'm too lazy to always press the shift bar to make caps. and i'll probably talk about how much i dislike nursing school but love nursing a lot.</div>
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more to come,</div>
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mal</div>
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</div>Mal http://www.blogger.com/profile/11295790823123885764noreply@blogger.com0