writing + living

I've been wanting to write a blog post for weeks. One that meant something to me, and possibly, hopefully something to someone else. I think it's because I've been inspired by so many gifted people whose words spark something inside of me. I've read a lot of good books recently, and so many times I've been struck by sentences written by the author and have that thought of "Oh my gosh, I've totally felt this and thought I was the only one!" or "Yes, I really desire that too!" I always read with a highlighter or pen ready (probably a little bit of the inner nursing major in me) and I circle words, star paragraphs, and underline sentences, and sometimes I write "definitely" or "yes!!" in the margins when I really like something-- nerdy, I know, I hear about it when friends or roommates borrow by books.  A good book is like food for my soul when the letters on a page the speak to my heart. I will never be a great writer, or at least I highly doubt that! That is OK, I won't lose sleep over that. But I love to put the thoughts that swirl in my head all day or the things I have heavy on my heart, in words and on pages.

Prayers and conversations with God seem so much more real and meaningful to me when I write them down. I also love to look back on what I write. It is so easy for me to forget where I have been, and even easy to become ungrateful for the change and growth in my life, but words capture my past and show glimpses of who I am becoming.

Often though, I battle the voice that tells me that what I want to write and what I have to say, do not matter. So I don't blog, because I believe the lie that my words carry no value.  I don't write because I'm afraid of being disappointed by myself, or what others will think. Much like other things in my life, I don't fill-in-the-blank because I am afraid. I have grand ideas and hopes, but days go by and my life seems more like a boring list of chores and emails sent instead of the story I'm hopeful of living. I think truly the only person that is holding me back is actually me.

When I drive myself to Chicago and back or wherever, I like to listen to audiobooks-- I'm like an old woman. In the spring I listened to A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, and then this past week I listened to it again while I traveled for a work trip because it is so good. I love it. I have the hard copy too, but got around to listening to it before actually reading it. The book is about how Donald Miller, while make Blue Like Jazz into a movie, learned about the story he was telling while "editing his life." He talks about heartbreak, and taking risks, and how stories are made when characters must work to overcome conflict, and the growth that ensues. So many times while listening I want to call up a friend and say "Let's do this. Let's hike in Peru, or drop everything and go on a mission trip around the world, or let's better serve those in our neighborhood!" And so many times I cry while driving down the highway, because the words he has written describe feelings I know so well, and are such deep truths that I want all people to know and experience.

I'm in such a time in my life where I feel like there are many decisions to be made and many questions asked of me about my future. Where I will live, or what I will do, or who I will be with. And to be honest, I think at this point I have fewer of those answers then I ever have before. I feel lost in a lot of decisions but I feel confident in one thing; I have an incredible desire to not just go through the motions of life. I know that where I have had the most fun, learned the most, made the best relationships have been through risks. I want to live a life of meaningful experiences. Obviously, not every moment of every day will have some spectacular meaning but I do believe that beauty and growth can be found in the mundane if we are willing to look. More than that, I believe that God calls us to a life of risk and a life of adventure. I am not called to a sedentary human. I want my everyday to radiate liveliness and love. I want to be busy making memories, not busy making lists. I want to see the good in everyday, and when I experience hard things, I want to be present and grow in those places. And I want to love better-- Jesus, my friends, my family, people I know deeply and people I don't know at all.
So this is my very small step to living a better story, to fearlessly write, today and hopefully more often.

"You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural. 
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.”
Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life