I'm not much into new years resolutions, in fact this year I blatantly decided to reject ideas of making any. BUT, I like the idea of a fresh start, renewal of ordinary things, and the hope of the future. So, I've thought a lot lately about what I want my life to be more about. In the past my resolutions have involved losing weight or getting better grades. I don't think that life is meant to be measured by three little numbers on a scale or letters on my transcript. My life is worth more than shallow goals, my value is not meant to be measured by success or failure.
In this season of my life I've become more aware of my fears. Right now it looks like being anxious about graduating and getting a job, or letting myself be vulnerable in relationships. But there are grander themes of being fearful about ending up unhappy, or just merely satisfied with life, or of failing by the standards of the world.
A huge aspect of being a believer is knowing that God says again and again "do not be afraid!" And I do hear that, read that, but so many times I fail to believe or live in the freedom of that truth. God's perfect love drives out all fear. Ann Voskamp writes, "all fear is but the notion that God's love ends." God's love does not end, it is meant to be overwhelming in the best way, it is unrelenting if we are willing to receive his love.
God's love drives out all fear. God delights in lavishing us with his love. He is a loving father desiring to cover us with grace and love and blessings. He is a protector. I'm finding out that my fear, and my forgetting-I'm-loved is rooted in my lack of trust. I admit that I want control. I am addicted to planning, lists, wanting to know what comes next. One of the greatest tensions in my life is that I so long to surrender my life to God and to live presently in his plan for me, but when I'm afraid I revert to desperately clinging to my own plans. Don't we all crave control and a road map to this life? Doesn't God find joy in writing our stories?
Here is what I hope. That my life be more about channeling my fears in a way that allows me to seek and experience God. Fear is inherently uncomfortable and scary, but fear also usually means that something is important to us. For example, I'm afraid of being hurt by those I love, because I value those relationships. And I'm afraid of ending up unhappy, because I deeply long for fulfillment and contentment. These things that I'm afraid of matter to me. It is not all bad. However, I don't want to miss out on the beauty of life because of fear. I do not want to be blind to God's story for me because I'm desperately seeking answers and control.
I want to be more about trusting, and living loved, and less about fear. I want to show up more where I am, not where I wish I were. I want to be present in moments and relying less on the future I know nothing about.
God's love does not run out. That is a promise.
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