It's late, but I wanted to write. School starts Monday and I move back tomorrow, I don't know how often I will get to write-- so I'm doing it now.
I've been anxious to get back to school, to see friends and be settled before classes start, but I've also been dreading to leave. I will miss my family, home cooked meals, sleepovers at Mara & Kevin's, sweet little Avy, and my job. I will also miss the freedom that summer brings. Freedom from more than just school. There are no classes to study for and no tests to take, but for some reason, to me, Summer has more of a "come as you are" feeling than any other time of the year. Summer is good.
Don't get me wrong, I love Fall too. I love the smell of Fall, crunchy leaves, chunky sweaters and, spicy teas, and anything pumpkin, but I don't like all of what Fall brings. I like to learn and I like to be at my beautiful school, but as I write this I feel the sense of do more, be more, get to work, that Fall brings.
As most/all humans do, I struggle with feelings of not enough. It has looked different throughout my life, and now as a 21-year-old college students it looks like academics, achievements, success, and image.
I'm reading Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown, and she talks about the human issue of enough. She talks about how our first thought in the morning is about scarcity-- we didn't get enough sleep, and then we don't have enough time-- and how this cycle continues throughout the day. I feel this most often when I am in the midst of the chaos and business of school. I feel like I don't get enough sleep and that I don't have enough time, but I also feel like the best version of myself, and my best work, is still not enough. I am surely my toughest critic, but throughout the day I am beating off the nagging voice that tells me, "study more, get better grades, exercise more, eat healthier, look more presentable (e.g., maybe not yoga pants everyday, Mal!), respond to emails faster, be a better roommate..." that little nagging voice seriously. doesn't. stop. But I think I'm changing that. Yes, I said it. I've just decided. I refuse to believe the voice of not enough.
This year, I want to believe that I am enough. Just as I am. Outside of my grades, my weight, my email-response speed, and so many other things about me that are not perfect.
There is a bigger truth, I have a God who beats out that nagging voice that is mean and wrong. He is my heavenly father, who created me and said that I am not just good, but very good (Gen 1:31). Who knows my deepest secrets and my desires, who knows my flaws and faults, and still believes that I am beautiful and perfect. And He calls me his beloved.
I think that when I listen to the voice of not enough instead of the voice of loved, I miss out on life. I miss out on showing up and being present because I am too busy worrying about being better in that moment, in that classroom, at that meeting. And I miss loving people, because when you listen to voice of not enough, comparison and jealously come along for the ride. Suddenly, anything you previously going for you, looks plain lame compared to someone else. Instead of focusing on loving people well, I worry that I didn't do as well as they did on the exam, or that they look perfectly cute and put together and I look like I got 5 hours of sleep and concealed my dirty hair under my baseball hat. Life becomes a competition.
Remember in swim lessons, when the teacher would tell you swim to them? "I'm right here, just swim right to me." And then the most terrifying thing would happen right when you were about to meet the "right here" point......... they took 5 steps back. What! My 4-year-old self would freak out. My 21-year-old self freaks out when I view things in life as a "right here" point. Like, success, and relationships. I can never keep up and I continue to be a failure if I believe that I am suppose to be perfect. I am just a work in progress, and I am doing my best. Swim lessons look different however, with people cheering you on and encouraging you and someone who loves you standing in the pool with their arms open saying "I've always been here waiting. I love you. You are good enough, you don't need to swim anymore. I have you." I think that is how God would be in the pool.
As corny as my analogy is, I like it. I am just learning how to swim, I'm figuring it out, and learning how to live in the truth of my beloved-ness.
I'm going to try to show up more just as I am, and listen to the "loved" voice, that tells me I am good enough, both, in my mess and on my best days.
I am a dear child of God, I am beloved. So are you.
“First of all, you have to keep unmasking the world about you for what it is: manipulative, controlling, power-hungry, and, in the long run, destructive. The world tells you many lies about who you are, and you simply have to be realistic enough to remind yourself of this. Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: 'These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting belief.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Dear Kendall
Kendall,
I don't think you knew when we sat at that table in the dining hall of Castaway in August of 2011 how much you were impacting my life. While we sipped lemonade and ate chips you allowed me into your life and I am so thankful you did. I needed you then, I needed Jesus more, but I needed you to play a very important character in my story. The truth is, if it weren't for you, I don't think I would be a Young Life leader today, and I don't think I would be the person I am today either. You inspired me then, and you have inspired me everyday since then.
When I tell my story I say that the week I led your cabin at Castaway was one of the best weeks of my life, you probably didn't know that it was also one of the hardest. We laughed so hard as we went banana boating and ate ice cream by the beach, and I loved those moments! I would do it again in a heartbeat. At night we heard about the Gospel and how very much we are loved and in cabin time the 16 of us cried together, because life can be hard, because the hurt we feel is real, and because it is so apparent how much we all need Jesus.
I was there as a leader, but I felt like your joy and love for life was leading me in some ways, inspiring me to be better. Your love for Jesus was radiating from your smile, your leadership and the way you effortlessly loved those around you. You have not stopped being inspiring.
I had a hard summer, a hard year really, my freshman year of college had not been exactly what I imagined. I felt like I had lost a lot that year; a close group of friends, a long-time boyfriend, my popularity, and my comfort. My first year leading Young Life was hard too. Standing in a room of high schoolers felt intimidating and overwhelming and I didn't feel prepared or equipped to lead-- I was trying to figure out my relationship with Jesus too. I have never stopped believing since then that Jesus doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called.
I think there are few moments in life that you can point to and say that is when it changed, one of mine happened that week at camp. During one of the leader meetings at Castaway we were talking about becoming fishers of men, and how Jesus told the disciples to let down their nets to follow him. He said that they needed to let go of their nets because he had something better in store. I remember sitting there crying, knowing that I had stuff in my net, things I wanted for myself that I was desperately clinging to, afraid that if I really, truly gave up control, and began listening to his call for me I would be disappointed. But I decided in that moment to let down my net --fully-- not like I had been for most of my life, but to really trust that He had greater things in store. I invited him into my brokenness to heal the cracks, and to fill my gaps of insufficiency, and to help me love others better, because I couldn't do it alone and I was tired of trying to. And oh, how He continues to show me everyday how wonderful life is with Him.
We both left changed from camp, with stories from the week written on our hearts and a new friendship evolving. One day you made me go zip-lining with you, I didn't necessarily love zip-lining, but I loved your desire to make life more fun. You weren't content sitting on the beach, you wanted to go and do, you wanted a life of adventure and whimsy!!
I had the privilege of leading you, guiding you, loving you in the ways I was able, and gracefully loved me back and returned all the above. Looking back, I know the Lord was using you, not only that week, but everyday both in my life and the lives of so many others. I've loved every minute with you since, I feel so honored to have watched you grow into the beautiful person you are today.
It's been so lovely to do life with you. When I mention your name to my Mom, she tilts her head and smiles the same way almost every time, like she knows just how much to mean to me and the role you've played in my college experience. I remember one time I was studying for a Pathophysiology exam, I was in the basement of the library with my friends when you text me you needed to talk. They thought I was crazy for leaving, but I never questioned the importance of studying in that moment, because I am your young life leader, but more importantly your friend, and you are more valuable than any test or any grade. I will ditch studying for you anytime!
We have so many things in common, weird laughs, a love for dancing, a desire to live life to the full, and much more. I love that the Noodles & Co at Old Orchard mall is our place, and we go there and get Wisconsin Mac and Cheese together-- I will do that with you until we are 99 and 102-years-old. I love getting your sweet text messages during a hard day, or seeing you post something kind on Facebook letting a friend know that they are loved by you. You have a big heart, one overflowing with kindness and generosity, one that desires to serve and love "the least of these" (Matthew 25:40).
Selfishly, I want you to stay in Chicago, and not go away to Vanderbilt. I think you are too great to be shared. But I know that God is bringing you to new places to grow and to be challenged, just like I was brought to Loyola to be grown and challenged. Please know that I am a phone call away, or a 7 hour and 12 minute car ride (google map'd it baby). But please also know that no matter where you are, no matter how hard things get or how alone you feel, you have a friend who is much greater and wiser that I. He is the God of the Universe, and He is on your side today and always.
If there is one prayer I have for you it is that you never forget that your relationship with Jesus comes before all things. He is bigger then school, Young Life, clothes, relationships, success, money, friends, dreams, etc, etc. While at the same time He is working in the smallest details of your life, even when you cannot see it. And always, that you are incredibly, undeniably, unfathomably, and incomprehensibly loved-- God sent his one and only son to die for YOU, because God so LOVED you.
I don't think you knew when we sat at that table in the dining hall of Castaway in August of 2011 how much you were impacting my life. While we sipped lemonade and ate chips you allowed me into your life and I am so thankful you did. I needed you then, I needed Jesus more, but I needed you to play a very important character in my story. The truth is, if it weren't for you, I don't think I would be a Young Life leader today, and I don't think I would be the person I am today either. You inspired me then, and you have inspired me everyday since then.
When I tell my story I say that the week I led your cabin at Castaway was one of the best weeks of my life, you probably didn't know that it was also one of the hardest. We laughed so hard as we went banana boating and ate ice cream by the beach, and I loved those moments! I would do it again in a heartbeat. At night we heard about the Gospel and how very much we are loved and in cabin time the 16 of us cried together, because life can be hard, because the hurt we feel is real, and because it is so apparent how much we all need Jesus.
I was there as a leader, but I felt like your joy and love for life was leading me in some ways, inspiring me to be better. Your love for Jesus was radiating from your smile, your leadership and the way you effortlessly loved those around you. You have not stopped being inspiring.
I had a hard summer, a hard year really, my freshman year of college had not been exactly what I imagined. I felt like I had lost a lot that year; a close group of friends, a long-time boyfriend, my popularity, and my comfort. My first year leading Young Life was hard too. Standing in a room of high schoolers felt intimidating and overwhelming and I didn't feel prepared or equipped to lead-- I was trying to figure out my relationship with Jesus too. I have never stopped believing since then that Jesus doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called.
I think there are few moments in life that you can point to and say that is when it changed, one of mine happened that week at camp. During one of the leader meetings at Castaway we were talking about becoming fishers of men, and how Jesus told the disciples to let down their nets to follow him. He said that they needed to let go of their nets because he had something better in store. I remember sitting there crying, knowing that I had stuff in my net, things I wanted for myself that I was desperately clinging to, afraid that if I really, truly gave up control, and began listening to his call for me I would be disappointed. But I decided in that moment to let down my net --fully-- not like I had been for most of my life, but to really trust that He had greater things in store. I invited him into my brokenness to heal the cracks, and to fill my gaps of insufficiency, and to help me love others better, because I couldn't do it alone and I was tired of trying to. And oh, how He continues to show me everyday how wonderful life is with Him.
We both left changed from camp, with stories from the week written on our hearts and a new friendship evolving. One day you made me go zip-lining with you, I didn't necessarily love zip-lining, but I loved your desire to make life more fun. You weren't content sitting on the beach, you wanted to go and do, you wanted a life of adventure and whimsy!!
I had the privilege of leading you, guiding you, loving you in the ways I was able, and gracefully loved me back and returned all the above. Looking back, I know the Lord was using you, not only that week, but everyday both in my life and the lives of so many others. I've loved every minute with you since, I feel so honored to have watched you grow into the beautiful person you are today.
It's been so lovely to do life with you. When I mention your name to my Mom, she tilts her head and smiles the same way almost every time, like she knows just how much to mean to me and the role you've played in my college experience. I remember one time I was studying for a Pathophysiology exam, I was in the basement of the library with my friends when you text me you needed to talk. They thought I was crazy for leaving, but I never questioned the importance of studying in that moment, because I am your young life leader, but more importantly your friend, and you are more valuable than any test or any grade. I will ditch studying for you anytime!
We have so many things in common, weird laughs, a love for dancing, a desire to live life to the full, and much more. I love that the Noodles & Co at Old Orchard mall is our place, and we go there and get Wisconsin Mac and Cheese together-- I will do that with you until we are 99 and 102-years-old. I love getting your sweet text messages during a hard day, or seeing you post something kind on Facebook letting a friend know that they are loved by you. You have a big heart, one overflowing with kindness and generosity, one that desires to serve and love "the least of these" (Matthew 25:40).
Selfishly, I want you to stay in Chicago, and not go away to Vanderbilt. I think you are too great to be shared. But I know that God is bringing you to new places to grow and to be challenged, just like I was brought to Loyola to be grown and challenged. Please know that I am a phone call away, or a 7 hour and 12 minute car ride (google map'd it baby). But please also know that no matter where you are, no matter how hard things get or how alone you feel, you have a friend who is much greater and wiser that I. He is the God of the Universe, and He is on your side today and always.
If there is one prayer I have for you it is that you never forget that your relationship with Jesus comes before all things. He is bigger then school, Young Life, clothes, relationships, success, money, friends, dreams, etc, etc. While at the same time He is working in the smallest details of your life, even when you cannot see it. And always, that you are incredibly, undeniably, unfathomably, and incomprehensibly loved-- God sent his one and only son to die for YOU, because God so LOVED you.
I love you, KJL!!
Our cabin at Castaway Club Young Life Camp! // Summer 2011
Kendall was there when I got baptized! // Fall 2012
When Kendall visited Timberwolf while I was on Summer Staff! // June 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
writing + living
I've been wanting to write a blog post for weeks. One that meant something to me, and possibly, hopefully something to someone else. I think it's because I've been inspired by so many gifted people whose words spark something inside of me. I've read a lot of good books recently, and so many times I've been struck by sentences written by the author and have that thought of "Oh my gosh, I've totally felt this and thought I was the only one!" or "Yes, I really desire that too!" I always read with a highlighter or pen ready (probably a little bit of the inner nursing major in me) and I circle words, star paragraphs, and underline sentences, and sometimes I write "definitely" or "yes!!" in the margins when I really like something-- nerdy, I know, I hear about it when friends or roommates borrow by books. A good book is like food for my soul when the letters on a page the speak to my heart. I will never be a great writer, or at least I highly doubt that! That is OK, I won't lose sleep over that. But I love to put the thoughts that swirl in my head all day or the things I have heavy on my heart, in words and on pages.
Prayers and conversations with God seem so much more real and meaningful to me when I write them down. I also love to look back on what I write. It is so easy for me to forget where I have been, and even easy to become ungrateful for the change and growth in my life, but words capture my past and show glimpses of who I am becoming.
Often though, I battle the voice that tells me that what I want to write and what I have to say, do not matter. So I don't blog, because I believe the lie that my words carry no value. I don't write because I'm afraid of being disappointed by myself, or what others will think. Much like other things in my life, I don't fill-in-the-blank because I am afraid. I have grand ideas and hopes, but days go by and my life seems more like a boring list of chores and emails sent instead of the story I'm hopeful of living. I think truly the only person that is holding me back is actually me.
When I drive myself to Chicago and back or wherever, I like to listen to audiobooks-- I'm like an old woman. In the spring I listened to A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, and then this past week I listened to it again while I traveled for a work trip because it is so good. I love it. I have the hard copy too, but got around to listening to it before actually reading it. The book is about how Donald Miller, while make Blue Like Jazz into a movie, learned about the story he was telling while "editing his life." He talks about heartbreak, and taking risks, and how stories are made when characters must work to overcome conflict, and the growth that ensues. So many times while listening I want to call up a friend and say "Let's do this. Let's hike in Peru, or drop everything and go on a mission trip around the world, or let's better serve those in our neighborhood!" And so many times I cry while driving down the highway, because the words he has written describe feelings I know so well, and are such deep truths that I want all people to know and experience.
I'm in such a time in my life where I feel like there are many decisions to be made and many questions asked of me about my future. Where I will live, or what I will do, or who I will be with. And to be honest, I think at this point I have fewer of those answers then I ever have before. I feel lost in a lot of decisions but I feel confident in one thing; I have an incredible desire to not just go through the motions of life. I know that where I have had the most fun, learned the most, made the best relationships have been through risks. I want to live a life of meaningful experiences. Obviously, not every moment of every day will have some spectacular meaning but I do believe that beauty and growth can be found in the mundane if we are willing to look. More than that, I believe that God calls us to a life of risk and a life of adventure. I am not called to a sedentary human. I want my everyday to radiate liveliness and love. I want to be busy making memories, not busy making lists. I want to see the good in everyday, and when I experience hard things, I want to be present and grow in those places. And I want to love better-- Jesus, my friends, my family, people I know deeply and people I don't know at all.
So this is my very small step to living a better story, to fearlessly write, today and hopefully more often.
"You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.”
Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life
Prayers and conversations with God seem so much more real and meaningful to me when I write them down. I also love to look back on what I write. It is so easy for me to forget where I have been, and even easy to become ungrateful for the change and growth in my life, but words capture my past and show glimpses of who I am becoming.
Often though, I battle the voice that tells me that what I want to write and what I have to say, do not matter. So I don't blog, because I believe the lie that my words carry no value. I don't write because I'm afraid of being disappointed by myself, or what others will think. Much like other things in my life, I don't fill-in-the-blank because I am afraid. I have grand ideas and hopes, but days go by and my life seems more like a boring list of chores and emails sent instead of the story I'm hopeful of living. I think truly the only person that is holding me back is actually me.
When I drive myself to Chicago and back or wherever, I like to listen to audiobooks-- I'm like an old woman. In the spring I listened to A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, and then this past week I listened to it again while I traveled for a work trip because it is so good. I love it. I have the hard copy too, but got around to listening to it before actually reading it. The book is about how Donald Miller, while make Blue Like Jazz into a movie, learned about the story he was telling while "editing his life." He talks about heartbreak, and taking risks, and how stories are made when characters must work to overcome conflict, and the growth that ensues. So many times while listening I want to call up a friend and say "Let's do this. Let's hike in Peru, or drop everything and go on a mission trip around the world, or let's better serve those in our neighborhood!" And so many times I cry while driving down the highway, because the words he has written describe feelings I know so well, and are such deep truths that I want all people to know and experience.
I'm in such a time in my life where I feel like there are many decisions to be made and many questions asked of me about my future. Where I will live, or what I will do, or who I will be with. And to be honest, I think at this point I have fewer of those answers then I ever have before. I feel lost in a lot of decisions but I feel confident in one thing; I have an incredible desire to not just go through the motions of life. I know that where I have had the most fun, learned the most, made the best relationships have been through risks. I want to live a life of meaningful experiences. Obviously, not every moment of every day will have some spectacular meaning but I do believe that beauty and growth can be found in the mundane if we are willing to look. More than that, I believe that God calls us to a life of risk and a life of adventure. I am not called to a sedentary human. I want my everyday to radiate liveliness and love. I want to be busy making memories, not busy making lists. I want to see the good in everyday, and when I experience hard things, I want to be present and grow in those places. And I want to love better-- Jesus, my friends, my family, people I know deeply and people I don't know at all.
So this is my very small step to living a better story, to fearlessly write, today and hopefully more often.
"You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.”
Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life
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