where joy comes in

**this post was written in December but neglected and forgotten about in the midst of finals week... until now!**

I find that there is a usual theme of the way I feel during finals every year... mostly chaotic, out of order, insufficient, tired, and there always seem to be a lot of jokes about being a hot mess. Yesterday though, things felt different. It was chaotic and daunting but I felt this overwhelming sense of what really mattered and that things will be ok.
I live in a house with three other girls, whom I love love love dearly. They are my best friends, my confidants, my home team, my sisters. Yesterday I sat in the front room while Kara and I hurriedly finished our respective papers minutes before the deadline (#senioritis) and Christi crammed in some last minute studying before her final. The night before Christi and I sat around the kitchen table until 4am (hey sleep deprivation) and studied. In both of these scenarios I felt the presence of God. I felt thankful that I was given true friendships and people who love me and people who stay up with me to study and then also put up with with my weirdness due to exhaustion. And not even just put up with me, they join me and they love me. When I am overwhelmed or need to vent, and when I am excited and need to celebrate, they meet me where I am and love me.
Christi and Kara and I walked to our finals at 1 yesterday and it was freezing cold. We left the house too late and ran around grabbing the essentials before pulling on boots and parkas and our backpacks and leaving quickly. On the way we just started laughing about maybe life in general, maybe just finals week, but how life is funny. That morning in the front room, and the night before in the kitchen we had laughed so hard. And we had also had some of the best conversations we'd shared in a long time. About God and new love and success and the future and how life is scary.
I think that in the midst of when life is happening, when life is crazy and things seems to be a little disjointed, joy comes in. Joy comes in to bless us in the chaotic. Like a little message from God saying, "this life is hard, this life is crazy, but I've made it gorgeous for you to enjoy."

not a new years resolution

I'm not much into new years resolutions, in fact this year I blatantly decided to reject ideas of making any. BUT, I like the idea of a fresh start, renewal of ordinary things, and the hope of the future. So, I've thought a lot lately about what I want my life to be more about. In the past my resolutions have involved losing weight or getting better grades. I don't think that life is meant to be measured by three little numbers on a scale or letters on my transcript. My life is worth more than shallow goals, my value is not meant to be measured by success or failure.
In this season of my life I've become more aware of my fears. Right now it looks like being anxious about graduating and getting a job, or letting myself be vulnerable in relationships. But there are grander themes of being fearful about ending up unhappy, or just merely satisfied with life, or of failing by the standards of the world.
A huge aspect of being a believer is knowing that God says again and again "do not be afraid!" And I do hear that, read that, but so many times I fail to believe or live in the freedom of that truth. God's perfect love drives out all fear. Ann Voskamp writes, "all fear is but the notion that God's love ends." God's love does not end, it is meant to be overwhelming in the best way, it is unrelenting if we are willing to receive his love.
God's love drives out all fear. God delights in lavishing us with his love. He is a loving father desiring to cover us with grace and love and blessings. He is a protector. I'm finding out that my fear, and my forgetting-I'm-loved is rooted in my lack of trust. I admit that I want control. I am addicted to planning, lists, wanting to know what comes next. One of the greatest tensions in my life is that I so long to surrender my life to God and to live presently in his plan for me, but when I'm afraid I revert to desperately clinging to my own plans. Don't we all crave control and a road map to this life? Doesn't God find joy in writing our stories?
Here is what I hope. That my life be more about channeling my fears in a way that allows me to seek and experience God. Fear is inherently uncomfortable and scary, but fear also usually means that something is important to us. For example, I'm afraid of being hurt by those I love, because I value those relationships. And I'm afraid of ending up unhappy, because I deeply long for fulfillment and contentment. These things that I'm afraid of matter to me. It is not all bad. However, I don't want to miss out on the beauty of life because of fear. I do not want to be blind to God's story for me because I'm desperately seeking answers and control.
I want to be more about trusting, and living loved, and less about fear. I want to show up more where I am, not where I wish I were. I want to be present in moments and relying less on the future I know nothing about.
God's love does not run out. That is a promise.