Nursing school has been rough for a lot of reasons, but mostly I think because I've come to the deep realization of how hard and truly heartbreaking sickness can be. When I get asked why nursing I always say "I want my career to bring me purpose." I don't say that I expected my experiences to personally effect me so much--- every part of me.
I never expected to leave a patient's room and feel overwhelmingly inspired by their immense joy outside their circumstances. I couldn't imagine how much a terminally ill cancer patient would teach me in her final months. But I never expected to have such a deep desire to fix people, and make them well, even when I know I have no control. I guess I never processed it. And I never expected to feel hopeless when I came to terms with the reality that I could not make them well.
What I've really learned about nursing is that it truly involves entering into life with people. Walking through the happy moments of a birth and the terribly hard moments of cancer pain. So much of my life I've spent running away from discomfort, pain, and suffering. We all have. It's part of human nature-- we do whatever we can to protect ourselves from hurting. And in less than a year my job will be about people who are hurting, suffering, and struggling. I've learned that I don't want to run away from the discomfort, because I will not escape it. And really, I don't think it is what God wants us to do. Because with a mindset of fixing I will always be a failure. I believe with God there is hope, healing, love and peace.
There will be a time when there is no more suffering, no more tears, or hurting, but for now I think my job (literally and figuratively) is to enter in to the suffering and stay with the people who need it most. I can only hope and pray that my actions, words, and presence will meet them where they are.
I cannot fix people, I cannot wave my magic wand. I cannot tell the mother of my 18-month-old patient with a chronic disease that will end her life too soon, that I can make it all better. I can, however, be there with them, enter in to their lives for a long time, or just a few hours and love them. Love them in their hurt and their suffering. I learn so much in that place of being present and loving. More than when I numb myself because little me cannot change the hard things.
I've questioned many times in the last three years whether or not I should become a nurse. And then there are days like today. When I see sick patients with big smiles and bigger hearts. It seems automatic to pray for them on my long walk down the hallway to nurses station. To pray for God's will to be done, for peace for them and their families, for healing, for love, and for God's presence. And for me, as much as I would love to say, praying is not my first reaction to hard things. A truth I've learned is that I cannot do life alone, which means I cannot be a nurse alone. I need jesus, and I need to continually, throughout the day faintly whisper "I trust you Jesus."
I know that I was made to be a nurse when I drive home processing the day with a lump in my throat because of the brokenness and hurt in our world, but a deep and fulfilling warmth in my soul because I know that in the darkness there is light, and I feel that light maybe more then I ever have in my life.
THE LIGHT SHINES IN THE DARKNESS, AND THE DARKNESS HAS NOT OVERCOME IT. John 1:5
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Thursday, August 22, 2013
enough
It's late, but I wanted to write. School starts Monday and I move back tomorrow, I don't know how often I will get to write-- so I'm doing it now.
I've been anxious to get back to school, to see friends and be settled before classes start, but I've also been dreading to leave. I will miss my family, home cooked meals, sleepovers at Mara & Kevin's, sweet little Avy, and my job. I will also miss the freedom that summer brings. Freedom from more than just school. There are no classes to study for and no tests to take, but for some reason, to me, Summer has more of a "come as you are" feeling than any other time of the year. Summer is good.
Don't get me wrong, I love Fall too. I love the smell of Fall, crunchy leaves, chunky sweaters and, spicy teas, and anything pumpkin, but I don't like all of what Fall brings. I like to learn and I like to be at my beautiful school, but as I write this I feel the sense of do more, be more, get to work, that Fall brings.
As most/all humans do, I struggle with feelings of not enough. It has looked different throughout my life, and now as a 21-year-old college students it looks like academics, achievements, success, and image.
I'm reading Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown, and she talks about the human issue of enough. She talks about how our first thought in the morning is about scarcity-- we didn't get enough sleep, and then we don't have enough time-- and how this cycle continues throughout the day. I feel this most often when I am in the midst of the chaos and business of school. I feel like I don't get enough sleep and that I don't have enough time, but I also feel like the best version of myself, and my best work, is still not enough. I am surely my toughest critic, but throughout the day I am beating off the nagging voice that tells me, "study more, get better grades, exercise more, eat healthier, look more presentable (e.g., maybe not yoga pants everyday, Mal!), respond to emails faster, be a better roommate..." that little nagging voice seriously. doesn't. stop. But I think I'm changing that. Yes, I said it. I've just decided. I refuse to believe the voice of not enough.
This year, I want to believe that I am enough. Just as I am. Outside of my grades, my weight, my email-response speed, and so many other things about me that are not perfect.
There is a bigger truth, I have a God who beats out that nagging voice that is mean and wrong. He is my heavenly father, who created me and said that I am not just good, but very good (Gen 1:31). Who knows my deepest secrets and my desires, who knows my flaws and faults, and still believes that I am beautiful and perfect. And He calls me his beloved.
I think that when I listen to the voice of not enough instead of the voice of loved, I miss out on life. I miss out on showing up and being present because I am too busy worrying about being better in that moment, in that classroom, at that meeting. And I miss loving people, because when you listen to voice of not enough, comparison and jealously come along for the ride. Suddenly, anything you previously going for you, looks plain lame compared to someone else. Instead of focusing on loving people well, I worry that I didn't do as well as they did on the exam, or that they look perfectly cute and put together and I look like I got 5 hours of sleep and concealed my dirty hair under my baseball hat. Life becomes a competition.
Remember in swim lessons, when the teacher would tell you swim to them? "I'm right here, just swim right to me." And then the most terrifying thing would happen right when you were about to meet the "right here" point......... they took 5 steps back. What! My 4-year-old self would freak out. My 21-year-old self freaks out when I view things in life as a "right here" point. Like, success, and relationships. I can never keep up and I continue to be a failure if I believe that I am suppose to be perfect. I am just a work in progress, and I am doing my best. Swim lessons look different however, with people cheering you on and encouraging you and someone who loves you standing in the pool with their arms open saying "I've always been here waiting. I love you. You are good enough, you don't need to swim anymore. I have you." I think that is how God would be in the pool.
As corny as my analogy is, I like it. I am just learning how to swim, I'm figuring it out, and learning how to live in the truth of my beloved-ness.
I'm going to try to show up more just as I am, and listen to the "loved" voice, that tells me I am good enough, both, in my mess and on my best days.
I am a dear child of God, I am beloved. So are you.
“First of all, you have to keep unmasking the world about you for what it is: manipulative, controlling, power-hungry, and, in the long run, destructive. The world tells you many lies about who you are, and you simply have to be realistic enough to remind yourself of this. Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: 'These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting belief.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World
I've been anxious to get back to school, to see friends and be settled before classes start, but I've also been dreading to leave. I will miss my family, home cooked meals, sleepovers at Mara & Kevin's, sweet little Avy, and my job. I will also miss the freedom that summer brings. Freedom from more than just school. There are no classes to study for and no tests to take, but for some reason, to me, Summer has more of a "come as you are" feeling than any other time of the year. Summer is good.
Don't get me wrong, I love Fall too. I love the smell of Fall, crunchy leaves, chunky sweaters and, spicy teas, and anything pumpkin, but I don't like all of what Fall brings. I like to learn and I like to be at my beautiful school, but as I write this I feel the sense of do more, be more, get to work, that Fall brings.
As most/all humans do, I struggle with feelings of not enough. It has looked different throughout my life, and now as a 21-year-old college students it looks like academics, achievements, success, and image.
I'm reading Daring Greatly, by Brene Brown, and she talks about the human issue of enough. She talks about how our first thought in the morning is about scarcity-- we didn't get enough sleep, and then we don't have enough time-- and how this cycle continues throughout the day. I feel this most often when I am in the midst of the chaos and business of school. I feel like I don't get enough sleep and that I don't have enough time, but I also feel like the best version of myself, and my best work, is still not enough. I am surely my toughest critic, but throughout the day I am beating off the nagging voice that tells me, "study more, get better grades, exercise more, eat healthier, look more presentable (e.g., maybe not yoga pants everyday, Mal!), respond to emails faster, be a better roommate..." that little nagging voice seriously. doesn't. stop. But I think I'm changing that. Yes, I said it. I've just decided. I refuse to believe the voice of not enough.
This year, I want to believe that I am enough. Just as I am. Outside of my grades, my weight, my email-response speed, and so many other things about me that are not perfect.
There is a bigger truth, I have a God who beats out that nagging voice that is mean and wrong. He is my heavenly father, who created me and said that I am not just good, but very good (Gen 1:31). Who knows my deepest secrets and my desires, who knows my flaws and faults, and still believes that I am beautiful and perfect. And He calls me his beloved.
I think that when I listen to the voice of not enough instead of the voice of loved, I miss out on life. I miss out on showing up and being present because I am too busy worrying about being better in that moment, in that classroom, at that meeting. And I miss loving people, because when you listen to voice of not enough, comparison and jealously come along for the ride. Suddenly, anything you previously going for you, looks plain lame compared to someone else. Instead of focusing on loving people well, I worry that I didn't do as well as they did on the exam, or that they look perfectly cute and put together and I look like I got 5 hours of sleep and concealed my dirty hair under my baseball hat. Life becomes a competition.
Remember in swim lessons, when the teacher would tell you swim to them? "I'm right here, just swim right to me." And then the most terrifying thing would happen right when you were about to meet the "right here" point......... they took 5 steps back. What! My 4-year-old self would freak out. My 21-year-old self freaks out when I view things in life as a "right here" point. Like, success, and relationships. I can never keep up and I continue to be a failure if I believe that I am suppose to be perfect. I am just a work in progress, and I am doing my best. Swim lessons look different however, with people cheering you on and encouraging you and someone who loves you standing in the pool with their arms open saying "I've always been here waiting. I love you. You are good enough, you don't need to swim anymore. I have you." I think that is how God would be in the pool.
As corny as my analogy is, I like it. I am just learning how to swim, I'm figuring it out, and learning how to live in the truth of my beloved-ness.
I'm going to try to show up more just as I am, and listen to the "loved" voice, that tells me I am good enough, both, in my mess and on my best days.
I am a dear child of God, I am beloved. So are you.
“First of all, you have to keep unmasking the world about you for what it is: manipulative, controlling, power-hungry, and, in the long run, destructive. The world tells you many lies about who you are, and you simply have to be realistic enough to remind yourself of this. Every time you feel hurt, offended, or rejected, you have to dare to say to yourself: 'These feelings, strong as they may be, are not telling me the truth about myself. The truth, even though I cannot feel it right now, is that I am the chosen child of God, precious in God's eyes, called the Beloved from all eternity, and held safe in an everlasting belief.”
― Henri J.M. Nouwen, Life of the Beloved: Spiritual Living in a Secular World
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Dear Kendall
Kendall,
I don't think you knew when we sat at that table in the dining hall of Castaway in August of 2011 how much you were impacting my life. While we sipped lemonade and ate chips you allowed me into your life and I am so thankful you did. I needed you then, I needed Jesus more, but I needed you to play a very important character in my story. The truth is, if it weren't for you, I don't think I would be a Young Life leader today, and I don't think I would be the person I am today either. You inspired me then, and you have inspired me everyday since then.
When I tell my story I say that the week I led your cabin at Castaway was one of the best weeks of my life, you probably didn't know that it was also one of the hardest. We laughed so hard as we went banana boating and ate ice cream by the beach, and I loved those moments! I would do it again in a heartbeat. At night we heard about the Gospel and how very much we are loved and in cabin time the 16 of us cried together, because life can be hard, because the hurt we feel is real, and because it is so apparent how much we all need Jesus.
I was there as a leader, but I felt like your joy and love for life was leading me in some ways, inspiring me to be better. Your love for Jesus was radiating from your smile, your leadership and the way you effortlessly loved those around you. You have not stopped being inspiring.
I had a hard summer, a hard year really, my freshman year of college had not been exactly what I imagined. I felt like I had lost a lot that year; a close group of friends, a long-time boyfriend, my popularity, and my comfort. My first year leading Young Life was hard too. Standing in a room of high schoolers felt intimidating and overwhelming and I didn't feel prepared or equipped to lead-- I was trying to figure out my relationship with Jesus too. I have never stopped believing since then that Jesus doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called.
I think there are few moments in life that you can point to and say that is when it changed, one of mine happened that week at camp. During one of the leader meetings at Castaway we were talking about becoming fishers of men, and how Jesus told the disciples to let down their nets to follow him. He said that they needed to let go of their nets because he had something better in store. I remember sitting there crying, knowing that I had stuff in my net, things I wanted for myself that I was desperately clinging to, afraid that if I really, truly gave up control, and began listening to his call for me I would be disappointed. But I decided in that moment to let down my net --fully-- not like I had been for most of my life, but to really trust that He had greater things in store. I invited him into my brokenness to heal the cracks, and to fill my gaps of insufficiency, and to help me love others better, because I couldn't do it alone and I was tired of trying to. And oh, how He continues to show me everyday how wonderful life is with Him.
We both left changed from camp, with stories from the week written on our hearts and a new friendship evolving. One day you made me go zip-lining with you, I didn't necessarily love zip-lining, but I loved your desire to make life more fun. You weren't content sitting on the beach, you wanted to go and do, you wanted a life of adventure and whimsy!!
I had the privilege of leading you, guiding you, loving you in the ways I was able, and gracefully loved me back and returned all the above. Looking back, I know the Lord was using you, not only that week, but everyday both in my life and the lives of so many others. I've loved every minute with you since, I feel so honored to have watched you grow into the beautiful person you are today.
It's been so lovely to do life with you. When I mention your name to my Mom, she tilts her head and smiles the same way almost every time, like she knows just how much to mean to me and the role you've played in my college experience. I remember one time I was studying for a Pathophysiology exam, I was in the basement of the library with my friends when you text me you needed to talk. They thought I was crazy for leaving, but I never questioned the importance of studying in that moment, because I am your young life leader, but more importantly your friend, and you are more valuable than any test or any grade. I will ditch studying for you anytime!
We have so many things in common, weird laughs, a love for dancing, a desire to live life to the full, and much more. I love that the Noodles & Co at Old Orchard mall is our place, and we go there and get Wisconsin Mac and Cheese together-- I will do that with you until we are 99 and 102-years-old. I love getting your sweet text messages during a hard day, or seeing you post something kind on Facebook letting a friend know that they are loved by you. You have a big heart, one overflowing with kindness and generosity, one that desires to serve and love "the least of these" (Matthew 25:40).
Selfishly, I want you to stay in Chicago, and not go away to Vanderbilt. I think you are too great to be shared. But I know that God is bringing you to new places to grow and to be challenged, just like I was brought to Loyola to be grown and challenged. Please know that I am a phone call away, or a 7 hour and 12 minute car ride (google map'd it baby). But please also know that no matter where you are, no matter how hard things get or how alone you feel, you have a friend who is much greater and wiser that I. He is the God of the Universe, and He is on your side today and always.
If there is one prayer I have for you it is that you never forget that your relationship with Jesus comes before all things. He is bigger then school, Young Life, clothes, relationships, success, money, friends, dreams, etc, etc. While at the same time He is working in the smallest details of your life, even when you cannot see it. And always, that you are incredibly, undeniably, unfathomably, and incomprehensibly loved-- God sent his one and only son to die for YOU, because God so LOVED you.
I don't think you knew when we sat at that table in the dining hall of Castaway in August of 2011 how much you were impacting my life. While we sipped lemonade and ate chips you allowed me into your life and I am so thankful you did. I needed you then, I needed Jesus more, but I needed you to play a very important character in my story. The truth is, if it weren't for you, I don't think I would be a Young Life leader today, and I don't think I would be the person I am today either. You inspired me then, and you have inspired me everyday since then.
When I tell my story I say that the week I led your cabin at Castaway was one of the best weeks of my life, you probably didn't know that it was also one of the hardest. We laughed so hard as we went banana boating and ate ice cream by the beach, and I loved those moments! I would do it again in a heartbeat. At night we heard about the Gospel and how very much we are loved and in cabin time the 16 of us cried together, because life can be hard, because the hurt we feel is real, and because it is so apparent how much we all need Jesus.
I was there as a leader, but I felt like your joy and love for life was leading me in some ways, inspiring me to be better. Your love for Jesus was radiating from your smile, your leadership and the way you effortlessly loved those around you. You have not stopped being inspiring.
I had a hard summer, a hard year really, my freshman year of college had not been exactly what I imagined. I felt like I had lost a lot that year; a close group of friends, a long-time boyfriend, my popularity, and my comfort. My first year leading Young Life was hard too. Standing in a room of high schoolers felt intimidating and overwhelming and I didn't feel prepared or equipped to lead-- I was trying to figure out my relationship with Jesus too. I have never stopped believing since then that Jesus doesn't call the equipped, he equips the called.
I think there are few moments in life that you can point to and say that is when it changed, one of mine happened that week at camp. During one of the leader meetings at Castaway we were talking about becoming fishers of men, and how Jesus told the disciples to let down their nets to follow him. He said that they needed to let go of their nets because he had something better in store. I remember sitting there crying, knowing that I had stuff in my net, things I wanted for myself that I was desperately clinging to, afraid that if I really, truly gave up control, and began listening to his call for me I would be disappointed. But I decided in that moment to let down my net --fully-- not like I had been for most of my life, but to really trust that He had greater things in store. I invited him into my brokenness to heal the cracks, and to fill my gaps of insufficiency, and to help me love others better, because I couldn't do it alone and I was tired of trying to. And oh, how He continues to show me everyday how wonderful life is with Him.
We both left changed from camp, with stories from the week written on our hearts and a new friendship evolving. One day you made me go zip-lining with you, I didn't necessarily love zip-lining, but I loved your desire to make life more fun. You weren't content sitting on the beach, you wanted to go and do, you wanted a life of adventure and whimsy!!
I had the privilege of leading you, guiding you, loving you in the ways I was able, and gracefully loved me back and returned all the above. Looking back, I know the Lord was using you, not only that week, but everyday both in my life and the lives of so many others. I've loved every minute with you since, I feel so honored to have watched you grow into the beautiful person you are today.
It's been so lovely to do life with you. When I mention your name to my Mom, she tilts her head and smiles the same way almost every time, like she knows just how much to mean to me and the role you've played in my college experience. I remember one time I was studying for a Pathophysiology exam, I was in the basement of the library with my friends when you text me you needed to talk. They thought I was crazy for leaving, but I never questioned the importance of studying in that moment, because I am your young life leader, but more importantly your friend, and you are more valuable than any test or any grade. I will ditch studying for you anytime!
We have so many things in common, weird laughs, a love for dancing, a desire to live life to the full, and much more. I love that the Noodles & Co at Old Orchard mall is our place, and we go there and get Wisconsin Mac and Cheese together-- I will do that with you until we are 99 and 102-years-old. I love getting your sweet text messages during a hard day, or seeing you post something kind on Facebook letting a friend know that they are loved by you. You have a big heart, one overflowing with kindness and generosity, one that desires to serve and love "the least of these" (Matthew 25:40).
Selfishly, I want you to stay in Chicago, and not go away to Vanderbilt. I think you are too great to be shared. But I know that God is bringing you to new places to grow and to be challenged, just like I was brought to Loyola to be grown and challenged. Please know that I am a phone call away, or a 7 hour and 12 minute car ride (google map'd it baby). But please also know that no matter where you are, no matter how hard things get or how alone you feel, you have a friend who is much greater and wiser that I. He is the God of the Universe, and He is on your side today and always.
If there is one prayer I have for you it is that you never forget that your relationship with Jesus comes before all things. He is bigger then school, Young Life, clothes, relationships, success, money, friends, dreams, etc, etc. While at the same time He is working in the smallest details of your life, even when you cannot see it. And always, that you are incredibly, undeniably, unfathomably, and incomprehensibly loved-- God sent his one and only son to die for YOU, because God so LOVED you.
I love you, KJL!!
Our cabin at Castaway Club Young Life Camp! // Summer 2011
Kendall was there when I got baptized! // Fall 2012
When Kendall visited Timberwolf while I was on Summer Staff! // June 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
writing + living
I've been wanting to write a blog post for weeks. One that meant something to me, and possibly, hopefully something to someone else. I think it's because I've been inspired by so many gifted people whose words spark something inside of me. I've read a lot of good books recently, and so many times I've been struck by sentences written by the author and have that thought of "Oh my gosh, I've totally felt this and thought I was the only one!" or "Yes, I really desire that too!" I always read with a highlighter or pen ready (probably a little bit of the inner nursing major in me) and I circle words, star paragraphs, and underline sentences, and sometimes I write "definitely" or "yes!!" in the margins when I really like something-- nerdy, I know, I hear about it when friends or roommates borrow by books. A good book is like food for my soul when the letters on a page the speak to my heart. I will never be a great writer, or at least I highly doubt that! That is OK, I won't lose sleep over that. But I love to put the thoughts that swirl in my head all day or the things I have heavy on my heart, in words and on pages.
Prayers and conversations with God seem so much more real and meaningful to me when I write them down. I also love to look back on what I write. It is so easy for me to forget where I have been, and even easy to become ungrateful for the change and growth in my life, but words capture my past and show glimpses of who I am becoming.
Often though, I battle the voice that tells me that what I want to write and what I have to say, do not matter. So I don't blog, because I believe the lie that my words carry no value. I don't write because I'm afraid of being disappointed by myself, or what others will think. Much like other things in my life, I don't fill-in-the-blank because I am afraid. I have grand ideas and hopes, but days go by and my life seems more like a boring list of chores and emails sent instead of the story I'm hopeful of living. I think truly the only person that is holding me back is actually me.
When I drive myself to Chicago and back or wherever, I like to listen to audiobooks-- I'm like an old woman. In the spring I listened to A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, and then this past week I listened to it again while I traveled for a work trip because it is so good. I love it. I have the hard copy too, but got around to listening to it before actually reading it. The book is about how Donald Miller, while make Blue Like Jazz into a movie, learned about the story he was telling while "editing his life." He talks about heartbreak, and taking risks, and how stories are made when characters must work to overcome conflict, and the growth that ensues. So many times while listening I want to call up a friend and say "Let's do this. Let's hike in Peru, or drop everything and go on a mission trip around the world, or let's better serve those in our neighborhood!" And so many times I cry while driving down the highway, because the words he has written describe feelings I know so well, and are such deep truths that I want all people to know and experience.
I'm in such a time in my life where I feel like there are many decisions to be made and many questions asked of me about my future. Where I will live, or what I will do, or who I will be with. And to be honest, I think at this point I have fewer of those answers then I ever have before. I feel lost in a lot of decisions but I feel confident in one thing; I have an incredible desire to not just go through the motions of life. I know that where I have had the most fun, learned the most, made the best relationships have been through risks. I want to live a life of meaningful experiences. Obviously, not every moment of every day will have some spectacular meaning but I do believe that beauty and growth can be found in the mundane if we are willing to look. More than that, I believe that God calls us to a life of risk and a life of adventure. I am not called to a sedentary human. I want my everyday to radiate liveliness and love. I want to be busy making memories, not busy making lists. I want to see the good in everyday, and when I experience hard things, I want to be present and grow in those places. And I want to love better-- Jesus, my friends, my family, people I know deeply and people I don't know at all.
So this is my very small step to living a better story, to fearlessly write, today and hopefully more often.
"You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.”
Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life
Prayers and conversations with God seem so much more real and meaningful to me when I write them down. I also love to look back on what I write. It is so easy for me to forget where I have been, and even easy to become ungrateful for the change and growth in my life, but words capture my past and show glimpses of who I am becoming.
Often though, I battle the voice that tells me that what I want to write and what I have to say, do not matter. So I don't blog, because I believe the lie that my words carry no value. I don't write because I'm afraid of being disappointed by myself, or what others will think. Much like other things in my life, I don't fill-in-the-blank because I am afraid. I have grand ideas and hopes, but days go by and my life seems more like a boring list of chores and emails sent instead of the story I'm hopeful of living. I think truly the only person that is holding me back is actually me.
When I drive myself to Chicago and back or wherever, I like to listen to audiobooks-- I'm like an old woman. In the spring I listened to A Million Miles in a Thousand Years by Donald Miller, and then this past week I listened to it again while I traveled for a work trip because it is so good. I love it. I have the hard copy too, but got around to listening to it before actually reading it. The book is about how Donald Miller, while make Blue Like Jazz into a movie, learned about the story he was telling while "editing his life." He talks about heartbreak, and taking risks, and how stories are made when characters must work to overcome conflict, and the growth that ensues. So many times while listening I want to call up a friend and say "Let's do this. Let's hike in Peru, or drop everything and go on a mission trip around the world, or let's better serve those in our neighborhood!" And so many times I cry while driving down the highway, because the words he has written describe feelings I know so well, and are such deep truths that I want all people to know and experience.
I'm in such a time in my life where I feel like there are many decisions to be made and many questions asked of me about my future. Where I will live, or what I will do, or who I will be with. And to be honest, I think at this point I have fewer of those answers then I ever have before. I feel lost in a lot of decisions but I feel confident in one thing; I have an incredible desire to not just go through the motions of life. I know that where I have had the most fun, learned the most, made the best relationships have been through risks. I want to live a life of meaningful experiences. Obviously, not every moment of every day will have some spectacular meaning but I do believe that beauty and growth can be found in the mundane if we are willing to look. More than that, I believe that God calls us to a life of risk and a life of adventure. I am not called to a sedentary human. I want my everyday to radiate liveliness and love. I want to be busy making memories, not busy making lists. I want to see the good in everyday, and when I experience hard things, I want to be present and grow in those places. And I want to love better-- Jesus, my friends, my family, people I know deeply and people I don't know at all.
So this is my very small step to living a better story, to fearlessly write, today and hopefully more often.
"You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.”
Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life
Thursday, July 25, 2013
this blog still exists
I'm going to try to start blogging again. For a lot of reasons, I think, but I think also because I am really starting to believe that life is happening right now. Even when it seems like I am waiting for something bigger to happen. I know that if I am open to opportunity and if I look around I will, in fact, believe that there are extraordinary things happening on this oh-so-very-boring-day. So this can be a place to document that. I reread all my old blog posts a couple weeks ago and while reading I remembered how freeing it was to write, and at the same time how incredibly vulnerable it makes me feel. I am willing to risk vulnerability to learn more about Jesus and about life and about who I am and what am I doing here. Most good things in life are hard, and I am OK with that.
Monday, October 1, 2012
young life
recently i've been reflecting on why i lead young life. young life takes up a big portion of my time and my life and i think it is good to think about why i'm doing what i'm doing, how it is affecting me and why i love it so much.
if you don't know what young life is (i only have about 2 readers, so you probably do) here is a brief run-down. young life is an outreach youth ministry that involves meeting high school kids where they are in their faith and walking with them, loving them well and showing them who jesus christ is and what that means for their lives through your relationship. my young life leader in high school pushed me in my faith and although i had heard the stories in church and read the bible sometimes, it was really katie (my yl leader) who made me want more.
i started officially leading young life in january of my freshman year. slightly lost and with big self-worth issues i dove into a highly affluent high school trying to make relationships and show kids who jesus was when i myself was having a rough year. it was hard. really hard. i could've easily just said "ya, this isn't for me," but for some reason i didn't. best decision ever. i started building relationships slowly and got to take 14 girls to camp that summer. i knew when i sat in the camp dining hall late one night eating chips and salsa and drinking lemonade with kendall as we talked about life and high school and good stuff and hard stuff that this experience, these girls, these leaders, but most importantly, jesus, were changing me. for the better.
this past friday at our first leadership of the year we talked about why we lead young life... why we drive 30 mins each way to get ice cream with girls. or why we spend sunday night and monday night in basements laughing, playing weird games, singing too loud and talking about who jesus really is. why i wake up at 6:20 on friday mornings to get bagels and study the bible when i could just sleep until class at noon.
i think it all boils down to this-- i am loved so i love.
i've seen and felt what god has done to my heart, and my life. i know how he redeems and renews. i acknowledge that without him, without the promise of his son, i would be worthless, and despite my broken and sinful nature because of this promise, he loves me still. in fact, he loves me so much that i cannot grasp or understand that love. and with jesus i am enough, i am worthy, i am whole and i am remade. every day. every minute of every day, i am his beloved.
so because of this promise jesus made and because i am so loved, i love. because in the bible we are called to be his ambassadors. to share the works of christ in our lives to others. because he loves us so much, we must love others in the same way that he loves us. a big task.
i am not the best young life leader and i will never be. but i do know this, these girls have taken a big spot of my heart. i love them a lot. i love that we are really silly and laugh so hard together. and that i get to walk with them through really awesome fun things and support them and share their burdens in the really hard and messy parts of life. these girls challenge me to be better so that i can show them christ in the most real and true sense.
the role of a young life leader is really a beautiful thing. i am not their parent or sister or best friend or school counselor or coach. i am none of those things. i do not get angry when they hurt my feelings or expect something out of them like any other conditional relationship. it is legit and full of a lot of love. and here is the other thing, maybe my favorite-- i get to show them grace, when they screw up or break my heart it doesn't change our relationship. because i know when they make bad decisions or stray away from god he doesn't get mad, but he says "i love you so much, and my heart is breaking for you, i want something so much better than this for you. and i am the only one who can give that to you." and that, my friends is such a beautiful thing. i get to love them because of that and try to show them this earthy picture of what god's love is like.
i am not perfect and this hard, but god is perfecting me and i am learning more and more about who jesus is as i walk with these girls and as i try to love them well and show them grace. i am so thankful for them and for this ministry god has called me to be a part of.
if you don't know what young life is (i only have about 2 readers, so you probably do) here is a brief run-down. young life is an outreach youth ministry that involves meeting high school kids where they are in their faith and walking with them, loving them well and showing them who jesus christ is and what that means for their lives through your relationship. my young life leader in high school pushed me in my faith and although i had heard the stories in church and read the bible sometimes, it was really katie (my yl leader) who made me want more.
i started officially leading young life in january of my freshman year. slightly lost and with big self-worth issues i dove into a highly affluent high school trying to make relationships and show kids who jesus was when i myself was having a rough year. it was hard. really hard. i could've easily just said "ya, this isn't for me," but for some reason i didn't. best decision ever. i started building relationships slowly and got to take 14 girls to camp that summer. i knew when i sat in the camp dining hall late one night eating chips and salsa and drinking lemonade with kendall as we talked about life and high school and good stuff and hard stuff that this experience, these girls, these leaders, but most importantly, jesus, were changing me. for the better.
this past friday at our first leadership of the year we talked about why we lead young life... why we drive 30 mins each way to get ice cream with girls. or why we spend sunday night and monday night in basements laughing, playing weird games, singing too loud and talking about who jesus really is. why i wake up at 6:20 on friday mornings to get bagels and study the bible when i could just sleep until class at noon.
i think it all boils down to this-- i am loved so i love.
i've seen and felt what god has done to my heart, and my life. i know how he redeems and renews. i acknowledge that without him, without the promise of his son, i would be worthless, and despite my broken and sinful nature because of this promise, he loves me still. in fact, he loves me so much that i cannot grasp or understand that love. and with jesus i am enough, i am worthy, i am whole and i am remade. every day. every minute of every day, i am his beloved.
so because of this promise jesus made and because i am so loved, i love. because in the bible we are called to be his ambassadors. to share the works of christ in our lives to others. because he loves us so much, we must love others in the same way that he loves us. a big task.
i am not the best young life leader and i will never be. but i do know this, these girls have taken a big spot of my heart. i love them a lot. i love that we are really silly and laugh so hard together. and that i get to walk with them through really awesome fun things and support them and share their burdens in the really hard and messy parts of life. these girls challenge me to be better so that i can show them christ in the most real and true sense.
the role of a young life leader is really a beautiful thing. i am not their parent or sister or best friend or school counselor or coach. i am none of those things. i do not get angry when they hurt my feelings or expect something out of them like any other conditional relationship. it is legit and full of a lot of love. and here is the other thing, maybe my favorite-- i get to show them grace, when they screw up or break my heart it doesn't change our relationship. because i know when they make bad decisions or stray away from god he doesn't get mad, but he says "i love you so much, and my heart is breaking for you, i want something so much better than this for you. and i am the only one who can give that to you." and that, my friends is such a beautiful thing. i get to love them because of that and try to show them this earthy picture of what god's love is like.
i am not perfect and this hard, but god is perfecting me and i am learning more and more about who jesus is as i walk with these girls and as i try to love them well and show them grace. i am so thankful for them and for this ministry god has called me to be a part of.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
good to be back.
hi. it feels good to be back sitting down to blog, and intentionally sit down to blog. i haven't blog in exactly five months... but, it's never too late to start up again, right? i think so. this summer i wrote about 7 drafts... all 7 never were published, and that was intentional, but i don't know why. i didn't think they made sense or didn't like what they said or didn't like the vulnerability the posts made me feel. but i am over it now, and ready to blog again. thank goodness for that.
a lot has changed in the past five months. my summer was crazy and good and busy and relaxing. i spent a month at a young life camp in north carolina serving, and i learned so much in that month. i learned about who i am and who god is calling me to be. i learned about patience and waiting for the lord. i was loved well and encourage by so many friends, enriched with real conversations and the spirit working through each and every person there with me. i woke up before sunrise and worked in a hot kitchen, singing and dancing like crazy, laughing harder than ever and feeling like i was exactly where i was suppose to be. i learned that i am a daughter of the king, and that no matter how anyone has ever made me feel, i am enough. i am loved and adored by the king of the universe. so much change and goodness that came out of a month. i am incredibly thankful for that place and those people and the work that took place in my heart there.
me and my sweet friend maddy. god is so good.
oh, and i also got baptized. i've thought about it for a while, and one sunday at church they said that they were baptizing, and they had clothes and towels ect. it was spontaneous and beautiful and such an amazing feeling. it will serve as a constant reminder that god makes me new, he is making me new. such a blessing to be surrounded by good friends as i was washed new and redeemed by a merciful god who is so full of love.
i'm excited to watch this blog/space grow. happy that this can serve as a tangible reminder and memory of how the lord is working in my life/heart/and the people around me.
more on the real desires of our hearts and my new home tomorrow :)
a lot has changed in the past five months. my summer was crazy and good and busy and relaxing. i spent a month at a young life camp in north carolina serving, and i learned so much in that month. i learned about who i am and who god is calling me to be. i learned about patience and waiting for the lord. i was loved well and encourage by so many friends, enriched with real conversations and the spirit working through each and every person there with me. i woke up before sunrise and worked in a hot kitchen, singing and dancing like crazy, laughing harder than ever and feeling like i was exactly where i was suppose to be. i learned that i am a daughter of the king, and that no matter how anyone has ever made me feel, i am enough. i am loved and adored by the king of the universe. so much change and goodness that came out of a month. i am incredibly thankful for that place and those people and the work that took place in my heart there.
carnival/tableau night. this is one of my favorite pictures from summerstaff. so much fun. 
the beautiful place i called home for a month. windy gap.
oh, and i also got baptized. i've thought about it for a while, and one sunday at church they said that they were baptizing, and they had clothes and towels ect. it was spontaneous and beautiful and such an amazing feeling. it will serve as a constant reminder that god makes me new, he is making me new. such a blessing to be surrounded by good friends as i was washed new and redeemed by a merciful god who is so full of love.
i'm excited to watch this blog/space grow. happy that this can serve as a tangible reminder and memory of how the lord is working in my life/heart/and the people around me.
more on the real desires of our hearts and my new home tomorrow :)
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