forgiveness.

the process of forgiveness has been a trend of my life for the past six months. trying to forgive someone who once loved me well and betrayed me. trying to forgive myself. trying to forgive the situation i put myself in and also the aftermath of that situation. i do not believe that when you say you forgive someone, the process is over. not even a bit. i think that forgiveness involves enormous amounts of grace and generosity. and i think that it is usually best to forgive even if we feel like we didn't do anything wrong.

i woke up this morning angry and sad. and i am neither an angry or a sad person, so this is weird. i had been having bad dreams about a month ago and i would wake up and be reminded of that hurt, and betrayal and ache and it all felt too real again. it was in many ways like a scab being torn off. unfortunately i had another dream last night, and i continue to be amazed at how real these dreams feel. and that just sucks. these dreams are bittersweet. what i mean by that is that these dreams are seriously annoying but they force me to process and think, which involves me forgiving and healing and moving forward.

i think that my nature is to push the things that hurt or are hard away and tell myself that my time frame for healing and forgiving is up, that i'm passed the point and that i should even being feeling hurt, or angry or broken or whatever. and that's just wrong. i talked to my friend Samantha about this about a month ago, and i am so thankful for that conversation. she is wise and has been hurt and grown and forgiven. Sam encouraged me to think about why i was mad. after thinking a lot and journaling and praying i came to some solid conclusions:
1) i'd loved more than i ever had before and was not loved back well, or at all
2) i trusted more than i ever had before and was betrayed more than ever
3) i was told things that just weren't true and promises were broken and a friendship dissolved

but what does all this mean now? i don't think i will ever know fully why God put this in my life but i can tell you that i am sure as heck glad he did! weird right?

that this past of mine that hurts is part of my story, it will always be part of my story, and that is ok. i am who i am today because of this. i am better today because of yesterday. BUT, this sticky past full of mistakes and heartbreak does not have to be who i am. that does not define me. i am confident that Jesus put me in this uncomfortable place and i am confident that by leaning on Him i got out of that place, and i am confident that he used that to change my heart. i am positive He will continue to do so.

i have been praying to be able to forgive for a long time. i pray for things like that he finds Jesus and knows the love that He can give. i pray that he knows i have forgiven him.

i don't want to feel bitter or hatred, that's not me. a song by Drew Holcomb, called Resurrected says in the lyrics "i need to sleep in forgiveness, i need to be healed of this hate. i need to be resurrected on judgement day." it's a good song, and i really like Drew Holcomb so its a win-win. what this means to me is that i cannot do this alone, i am little, and the hurt that i feel is big and i cannot fix myself. i've tried. i've done the things that i thought would "make it better." little, ignorant and prideful human things. however, jesus is so much bigger and i have invited him into the depths of me and heal and help me forgive and help me be graceful in that. i don't think that i can be done or fully move on until i forgive. this song also reminds me that i am have sinned as well. i've done things that were wrong and said unkind words and handled situations badly. i did what i thought was best, not what i knew Jesus was calling me to do. and i have been hard on myself because of that, really hard. i need to forgive myself too. i have been forgiven and loved by the Lord and so now i will forgive and love, however hard that may be.

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” -- C.S. Lewis