so close and so far

today is a big day! it marks the last day of classes of my sophomore year of college. i am almost half-way done with nursing school which is really great for a lot of reasons and i think this day warrants some reflection.

i am so close to the end of finals. so close to moving home. so close to this summer and for all the wonderful adventures and lessons and i will learn. 

BUT i am so far from where i was at this time last year in so many ways and i am incredibly grateful for that. i like lists and i think that this is an appropriate time for one!

in no particular order thoughts on how i am feeling now:

1) happy and relieved and proud that i am on the home stretch of this semester... the one that everyone said was the hardest and practically impossible.

2) anxious about what it will look like moving back home and practically living out of a suitcase for a whole summer.

3) thankful for this year and the redemption and growth that have accompanied it.

4) hopeful that my faith will continue to be strengthened and rooted deeply in the love of the lord. (Ephesians 3:14-19).

5) blessed for all the people who have come into my life this year. the people who have been by my side when i am weak, stressed, hurt. and that they have loved me so well. you have not left me unchanged... you know who you are :)

6) excited for summer staff. like really excited, cannot contain my excitement, giddy excited. 

7) humbled and grateful for the challenges that have put in my life. the hurt and the brokenness and the healing and growth that has transpired from that.

8) sad that i am leaving good friends here. i am sad that i will not be able to have slumbies at Alaynah's, go get cheeseburgers with Sar, drive to and from yl club with Kats17 and talk about life, hang out at bethesda with heather until too late, drive to church with Erin and laugh, coffee dates and late night studying and so many more!!!

9) not looking forward to missing young life. i will miss the pre-club dinners where we talk and laugh and hang out with families. i will miss club and being crazy and singing call me maybe at the top of my lungs and talking to girls about their days/lives. and leadership, ahhh leadership, all of it. i like it a lot.

10) really excited and at peace about next year because i will being living with 4 other wonderful girls who are intentionally living to follow jesus. i am so excited to name our apartment, have community dinners, dance parties, good conversations and good friends to do life with :) i know a lot of good things will come out of this!

a lot to be happy about. i am full and thankful for grace and transformation while looking back at this year. it is weird to reflect on how i remember feeling this time last year; hurt, betrayed, unworthy, confused, and desperately seeking answers. and now knowing that these feelings were not ignored, but dealt with and explored and i am stronger because of that. 

prayer v. talking

i saw this graphic on pinterest the other day that said "have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?" this stopped me and made me think... and it has been on my mind ever since.

i don't pray as much as i should and i'm going to try to change that. i forget to pray or i get busy. i fall asleep or my mind wanders. lots of distractions and excuses can take the place of prayer.

my first instinct when i am upset about something is to text my best friend or call my mom or go for a run. which are all earthy things that i convince myself will make me feel better and in someway ameliorate the situation. but i am learning that i need to have more faith and more courage to lift up the things heavy on my heart and to trust God with all aspects of my life. to talk less and listen more to the lord. this season of my life seems unsettling and shifting and a growing phase and i like that, but it can be hard. i do not know what this summer will really be like, i am so excited for the things to come, but i begin to plan out what will come of it when i should be praying for strength and patience and to be prepared and faithful in what will be. some relationships in my life seem unsure and changing and this is scary to me. in those relationships i need god's presence walking beside me through those relationships and to be obedient to the lord.

all of these things that are unknown to me and make me uncomfortable are pushing me closer to Jesus and i love this. it is hard but i love that i am becoming more and more aware that i cannot do it alone, i cannot be strong and graceful by myself.

tonight at campaigners we wrangled the kids enough (tonight was extra crazy!) to write individual letters to God. i wrote one too and i found myself very aware that i recently have relied on my own understanding, on my own planning, on lists and ideas and dreams. but i have chosen to live my life for Christ, following him wholeheartedly which means that i will give up my plan knowing and believing that his is better. and there is so much beauty in that... in letting go and letting god, in talking less and praying more.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. ⁷ Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:6-7

no little thing

today has been one of those days. where things just don't work. e.g., my computer broke the week before finals... not ideal. and as i was taking the el thirty minutes and walking to the apple store in the cold chicago wind-- it is not 64 degrees like the weather said-- i was thinking about how annoyed and frustrated i was with today. it was annoying that instead of doing the things i actually had planned for today i had to go get my computer fixed and walk in the cold. and then i thought more about how dumb that is. today is the only April 19, 2012 that i ever get to live. every little thing in today is a gift.

i watched a video this past weekend about every moment in each day, the good and the bad are one of a kind. they might not ever happen in this life again-- that is a big deal. kinda cool and kinda scary. it makes me want to be grateful for everything that i am humanly selfish about. so many times i have disliked a situation or a test or a day or the weather. but everything is created and planned by God above-- i fully believe that. however, i am not always the best at intentionally being thankful for it all. there have certainly been hard times/stages in my life that i really didn't like but throughout i tried hard to be grateful. maybe i did not necessarily love it, but grateful for the lessons i learned or the way i was loved through that hard time. how i was changed and transformed because of those hard seasons. and i think this can translate into other parts of our life. if i can be grateful to the lord when my heart is breaking i should be thankful for the small things that are seemingly insignificant. i want to be happy and grateful for every gust of cold wind that blows across my cheeks and every thunderstorm that is not given credit for its magnificence. i want to celebrate when i get an extra tasty soy latte or when i get to wear my favorite pair of jeans. not that i don't always love those things, but i do not always fully appreciate them. the little things really. it is the small, trivial, daily things that add up to moments and days and years and our life. the good and the bad, all a gift that we are lucky enough to experience.

i want live in that. i want to be joyful that God lets me see and do amazing things every day. i want to have peace knowing that it all comes from above, pre-planned, and is bigger than i can imagine. soak it up. this is a good life and the only life we get here.

This is the video if you want to watch it!

loving and belonging

lately, i've been thinking a lot about loving people well. i know that we all want to be loved. we are pre-programmed to need, strive for and give love. and thankfully, we are adored by a God above, we are loved so well by him. and we are called in this life to love others-- whether that is easy or not. i'm not always good at this. and recently i have been reminded of how hard it is to love people who have hurt you.
people who you trusted and people who have sinned against you. this can cut deep, i think everyone has or will experience this.

i was feeling a little off this weekend at some points. just kind of tired and hard on myself. my friend heather gave me a book to read and although i only read a few pages it ready got me thinking. in the chapter i read it talked about fitting in v. belonging. i think that this plays a big part in how we love ourselves and how we accept love from above and from others.

this weekend i was at a young life student staff conference which was really great for a lot of reasons and hard at the same time. i love young life and i love the part in my story that young life has played. but a post on this to come! anyway, this weekend is that it left me with a lot of thoughts. thoughts about how to lead others as a follower of christ, thoughts about how i need to evaluate how i follow jesus is some ways how i do ministry and what that looks like in the lives of high schoolers. i have become aware of my selfishness in loving others and my intense need to be loved and how i am sometimes reluctant and refuse to believe i am good enough to believe that i am really love-- wrong wrong wrong. this is just a lie!

we strive as humans to fit in, to become something we are not to fit in. but belong involves a peace with who we truly we are. we do not need to change or become anything. belonging does require us to be who we are. <-- this is what heather's book was talking about.

so true. as a person we are made my a perfect god. we are born belonging. we do not need to adapt to become someone who can be loved. in my wretched and broken state. in my talk-too-loud-say-too-much state i am loved. in my self-doubt and selfishness i am forgiven and loved.

whatever it is that you feel you need to change to be loved, whatever you think you need to be. you don't. you are loved now. both today and always with an everlasting and overflowing love.


the lord appeared to us in the past, saying: "i have loved with an everlasting love; i have drawn you with lovingkindness." -- Jeremiah 31:3

getting what you think you want

i've been humbled and grateful during this season of my life in the change of heart i've had about my plans. i've said it before and i will say it again, i want to know what comes next. what will be. where i'll end up. with whom. doing what. there are so many unanswered questions that float around in my head, and i'm sure there are unanswered questions that float around in your head too. thing is, we don't always get the answer to those questions. and sometimes we don't get the answer that we wanted-- the answer that we thought was best. sometimes things in our lives don't work out the way we planned, or the way we wanted them.

getting use to this is tough. and i think it is something that happens in all stages of life. at every age, decision, goal, plan, moment things don't happen how we want 100% of the time. but how to we cope with that? how do we deal with and if necessary, pick of the pieces and start a new plan for what we want to happen now? with faith.


i came into college with a big plan. partially a product of not being fully satisfied in high school and partially a product of feeling not good enough and thinking that if this plan worked out i would be loved... an idea of perfection. well, i tried that plan. i spent late nights studying and striving for perfection in my classes. i had to get a's-- there was no question. i compromised my social life and waited for a boy far away to want me back. i dressed in clothes that i thought other people wanted me to wear, not necessarily what i wanted. i tried to put this image up of having it together and being happy because that was what my plan was. to get good grades, and look good on paper, to find a perfect job post-grad or get into a grad school that was known, somewhere where i felt important.

but that plan didn't work. it wasn't fulfilling and it left me empty and hurt. i was setting myself up for failure-- to a standard that was unacheivable, because nothing was ever good enough.

since then, since last spring i have learned so much. i have learned about myself, my soul and my faith. i have changed and grown and i am so blessed because of that.

on friday i spent the night at my sweet friend Alaynah's and we layed in bed and stayed up too late and talked about change and growth. and we cried together and we were real and true. we shared things about how different our lives have become.

i told her that i felt that my heart and my goals and my aspirations have changed-- a ton a ton a ton. that more and more i am living my life for the Lord, and striving for a better relationship day. and that because of this my goals and my plans and my outlooks have changed, and i have never been so at peace with anything else in my life. yes, i am scared, really scared, because this is new and not anything that i was set up to think or that the world tells me i should think. i am told to look for success and for a perfect husband and for a life that "looks good." instead i will wait for a job that suits me and is fulfilling and for grades that show i am doing my best and for a boy that loves me for me-- not what he wants me to be. i will wait until God puts someone special in my life who makes me think hard about faith and forces me to be better, who will laugh with me and who will cry with me. Not someone who is consumed by perfection or striving for more but someone who is at peace, someone who makes me calm.

all of this is a product of faith. a product of being broken down-- being slapped across the face when i felt empty and realizing i was doing it all wrong. and learning that we are not in control. some people disagree, but i think we have spent ages and ages trying to figure out how to do things better the human way and we have failed again and again.

my point is that we don't always get what we want. everybody has experienced that. but because of the consequential failure or emptiness and hurt that comes out of that we are forced to grow. i am thankful that i have been there to that empty and hurt place. i am thankful that i have been transformed by his love and gained faith and hope. i am glad and excited that i have a new mindset on life, on love and on the future. although it is scary and unknown, i am not alone in this, and i will be obedient to God and i will be rewarded and taken care of because of that.



"Seek me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece." -Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young