getting what you think you want

i've been humbled and grateful during this season of my life in the change of heart i've had about my plans. i've said it before and i will say it again, i want to know what comes next. what will be. where i'll end up. with whom. doing what. there are so many unanswered questions that float around in my head, and i'm sure there are unanswered questions that float around in your head too. thing is, we don't always get the answer to those questions. and sometimes we don't get the answer that we wanted-- the answer that we thought was best. sometimes things in our lives don't work out the way we planned, or the way we wanted them.

getting use to this is tough. and i think it is something that happens in all stages of life. at every age, decision, goal, plan, moment things don't happen how we want 100% of the time. but how to we cope with that? how do we deal with and if necessary, pick of the pieces and start a new plan for what we want to happen now? with faith.


i came into college with a big plan. partially a product of not being fully satisfied in high school and partially a product of feeling not good enough and thinking that if this plan worked out i would be loved... an idea of perfection. well, i tried that plan. i spent late nights studying and striving for perfection in my classes. i had to get a's-- there was no question. i compromised my social life and waited for a boy far away to want me back. i dressed in clothes that i thought other people wanted me to wear, not necessarily what i wanted. i tried to put this image up of having it together and being happy because that was what my plan was. to get good grades, and look good on paper, to find a perfect job post-grad or get into a grad school that was known, somewhere where i felt important.

but that plan didn't work. it wasn't fulfilling and it left me empty and hurt. i was setting myself up for failure-- to a standard that was unacheivable, because nothing was ever good enough.

since then, since last spring i have learned so much. i have learned about myself, my soul and my faith. i have changed and grown and i am so blessed because of that.

on friday i spent the night at my sweet friend Alaynah's and we layed in bed and stayed up too late and talked about change and growth. and we cried together and we were real and true. we shared things about how different our lives have become.

i told her that i felt that my heart and my goals and my aspirations have changed-- a ton a ton a ton. that more and more i am living my life for the Lord, and striving for a better relationship day. and that because of this my goals and my plans and my outlooks have changed, and i have never been so at peace with anything else in my life. yes, i am scared, really scared, because this is new and not anything that i was set up to think or that the world tells me i should think. i am told to look for success and for a perfect husband and for a life that "looks good." instead i will wait for a job that suits me and is fulfilling and for grades that show i am doing my best and for a boy that loves me for me-- not what he wants me to be. i will wait until God puts someone special in my life who makes me think hard about faith and forces me to be better, who will laugh with me and who will cry with me. Not someone who is consumed by perfection or striving for more but someone who is at peace, someone who makes me calm.

all of this is a product of faith. a product of being broken down-- being slapped across the face when i felt empty and realizing i was doing it all wrong. and learning that we are not in control. some people disagree, but i think we have spent ages and ages trying to figure out how to do things better the human way and we have failed again and again.

my point is that we don't always get what we want. everybody has experienced that. but because of the consequential failure or emptiness and hurt that comes out of that we are forced to grow. i am thankful that i have been there to that empty and hurt place. i am thankful that i have been transformed by his love and gained faith and hope. i am glad and excited that i have a new mindset on life, on love and on the future. although it is scary and unknown, i am not alone in this, and i will be obedient to God and i will be rewarded and taken care of because of that.



"Seek me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece." -Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young