being still

these past two weeks have been crazy. filled with double the amount of exams than i have classes-- how does that even happen? along with tests and reading assignments quizzes, there have been meetings and deadlines and emails to respond to. i have felt that for the past two weeks i have simply not stopped moving. for some reason i've been constantly reminded of the importance of being still. being still in the midst of a crazy life can sometimes seem impossible, or just not an option but i think it is ever so important. i don't think that i can describe the feeling of being still-- not that i have perfected it by any means-- but i have certainly tried to find rest and peace when things around me are out of my control and i cannot keep up. it feels good and serene and real.

i have been making an effort for the past month to spend time alone with God. to learn to be still and at peace with his plan for me. on wednesday night, while taking a study break from patho i walked out of the library, in front of the lake to the beautiful chapel on Loyola's campus to go to a prayer meditation service called Taize. it felt nice just be to out of the library, but it also felt soothing and peaceful to talk to the Lord, lift up the things weighing on my heart, and be still. every Taize i have been to has started with singing of "be still and know that i am God." i love that. i often am not still, because i want to plan and i want to know what will come next and what will be. the quietness and peace in the chapel somehow gives me the strength and courage to know and understand that i am little. and more importantly be ok with that littleness. i cannot carry my burdens alone... neither can you. we are only human and our world is busy and complicated and out of our control.

i want to be still and know that He is God. and he is good. and that is such a blessing.

forgiveness.

the process of forgiveness has been a trend of my life for the past six months. trying to forgive someone who once loved me well and betrayed me. trying to forgive myself. trying to forgive the situation i put myself in and also the aftermath of that situation. i do not believe that when you say you forgive someone, the process is over. not even a bit. i think that forgiveness involves enormous amounts of grace and generosity. and i think that it is usually best to forgive even if we feel like we didn't do anything wrong.

i woke up this morning angry and sad. and i am neither an angry or a sad person, so this is weird. i had been having bad dreams about a month ago and i would wake up and be reminded of that hurt, and betrayal and ache and it all felt too real again. it was in many ways like a scab being torn off. unfortunately i had another dream last night, and i continue to be amazed at how real these dreams feel. and that just sucks. these dreams are bittersweet. what i mean by that is that these dreams are seriously annoying but they force me to process and think, which involves me forgiving and healing and moving forward.

i think that my nature is to push the things that hurt or are hard away and tell myself that my time frame for healing and forgiving is up, that i'm passed the point and that i should even being feeling hurt, or angry or broken or whatever. and that's just wrong. i talked to my friend Samantha about this about a month ago, and i am so thankful for that conversation. she is wise and has been hurt and grown and forgiven. Sam encouraged me to think about why i was mad. after thinking a lot and journaling and praying i came to some solid conclusions:
1) i'd loved more than i ever had before and was not loved back well, or at all
2) i trusted more than i ever had before and was betrayed more than ever
3) i was told things that just weren't true and promises were broken and a friendship dissolved

but what does all this mean now? i don't think i will ever know fully why God put this in my life but i can tell you that i am sure as heck glad he did! weird right?

that this past of mine that hurts is part of my story, it will always be part of my story, and that is ok. i am who i am today because of this. i am better today because of yesterday. BUT, this sticky past full of mistakes and heartbreak does not have to be who i am. that does not define me. i am confident that Jesus put me in this uncomfortable place and i am confident that by leaning on Him i got out of that place, and i am confident that he used that to change my heart. i am positive He will continue to do so.

i have been praying to be able to forgive for a long time. i pray for things like that he finds Jesus and knows the love that He can give. i pray that he knows i have forgiven him.

i don't want to feel bitter or hatred, that's not me. a song by Drew Holcomb, called Resurrected says in the lyrics "i need to sleep in forgiveness, i need to be healed of this hate. i need to be resurrected on judgement day." it's a good song, and i really like Drew Holcomb so its a win-win. what this means to me is that i cannot do this alone, i am little, and the hurt that i feel is big and i cannot fix myself. i've tried. i've done the things that i thought would "make it better." little, ignorant and prideful human things. however, jesus is so much bigger and i have invited him into the depths of me and heal and help me forgive and help me be graceful in that. i don't think that i can be done or fully move on until i forgive. this song also reminds me that i am have sinned as well. i've done things that were wrong and said unkind words and handled situations badly. i did what i thought was best, not what i knew Jesus was calling me to do. and i have been hard on myself because of that, really hard. i need to forgive myself too. i have been forgiven and loved by the Lord and so now i will forgive and love, however hard that may be.

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” -- C.S. Lewis

a soul worth tending

"You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural. 
You are more than dust and bones. 
You are spirit and power and image of God. 
And you have been given Today.”
-- Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life


i like this quote a lot. i like the book a lot too, and if you haven't read it you should. meaning, today go get it and read it. i like this book to the extent that i think i reference it so much that people get sick of it and me talking about it. it's filled with little bits of wisdom. things that we often forget and need reminders of. reminders like in the midst of it all, this crazy busy life, we have a soul worth tending. 


i'm realizing this more and more these days. that i have a soul worth tending. that i get caught up in my busyness. between young life and nursing school and attempting to have a life and i sometimes feel that i am really tired. not just physically run down-- i mean let's be honest, i could always go for a nap-- but actually drained and tired inside. i think that this is normal and that it happens to everyone but i'm learning more and more how to recognize this and how to be full and alive inside. how to rest. 


i dont want to just go through the motions, which i think sometimes i do, we all do. sometimes i wake up and i dont want to go to class and then i want it to be over asap and i dont want to have to go to boring meetings or turn in assignments and fill out paperwork for clinical next fall. but that is not the way it should be. i'm guilty of not fully appreciating this life sometimes. i am easily brought down by the stress of it all and i feel surrounded by people at school who seem to be striving for perfection. striving for perfect grades and to have it all together. which i just don't get why we even, in the first place, put that on ourselves. we are not meant to be perfect. God does not need us to get all A's or "have it all together," and afterall he is who i am living for. He loves me if i am a mess 99% of the time and only do so-so in all my classes and don't go to the gym for a week straight and haven't done laundry in about 2.65 weeks. He still loves me just the same. He still loves you just the same. so frankly, i really think that this whole striving thing that we do as humans is dumb. i once read that we should save our best striving for developing our relationship with Jesus, and i really like that. i use that sentence as a little reminder of my priorities. that is how i want to live my life. that is how my soul will flourish. waking up every morning and striving for the Lord, for a better relationship, to be closer to him and to trust my whole life to him. 


i've felt over the past year my heart change, my soul change. i guess i don't know how to describe it. i told one of my close friends that when i see a picture of myself from a year ago i don't recognize that girl, i don't feel like that girl. it's not that i don't look the same, i am changed. just different i think. i'm not done yet, we are growing and changing our whole lives. constantly. dynamically changing. and the change that i have felt most is that i am trusting God more and more with big things in my life.


i don't care as much about school, i mean i still try and i always want to do my best, but i'm realizing and learning that my best is enough. i do not worry so much about my future or what that holds, but i am constantly comforted by knowing and trusting that i do not have to plan. worrying and stressing over the little things quickly piles up. piling up to the point where i begin to tire, and become weary. which is just not worth it! 


i'm surrounding myself with people who love me well. and people who i love and that i can talk to them about real, good things, people who know me. people who make me laugh, a lot. i saw this quote on pinterest  by Marcel Proust: "let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." good friends, less stress, more faith. i want to take to plan last minute lunch dates and eat yummy food and have good conversations, and i am ok with pushing back my studying a couple of hours to talk about life over coffee drinks... this makes me happy. this makes me full and this helps me to live my life for christ better. i want to wake up early and go read a devotional by the lake in the peaceful morning and i want to skip study groups to go to young life and laugh and be silly. on paper, to most people, it may seem like i am doing this all wrong. and i am so ok with that. today is the only today we get, and today i want to strive for the lord, i want to seek him first and foremost. i want to make memories and stories and follow my dreams and believe that the Lord our God is constantly watching over me, that i will be rewarded and protected if i am faithful. that my heart will be full and my soul will be tended to. 


i have a soul worth tending. you do too.


mal

what this is...

it's been in my head and in my heart for a while to start a blog. which i don't really know why because i'm not a great writer and i don't always feel like i have the best things to say, or that i know how to say what i'm thinking. but... here it is. as you obviously have realized by now, i started one. on a whim. i don't know what i will write about and i don't know when i will find time to write and i'm sure this will distract me from studying-- which i'm not too upset about.

this feels good to me and so unfamiliar which i think is fitting because i think unfamiliar and new are good words to describe the way my life has felt over the past year. i've been heartbroken and hurt. i've been hard on myself and felt unworthy. but i've been redeemed and renewed and loved well. i am so thankful and joyful because of that. yes, this is a place where i will write about me, but i am not telling my story, i am telling the story of jesus and who he is and the grace and love and hope that he brings to my life. i've learned a lot about that this year, more than any other year of my life. i think i need a place for that. a place to share and think and process and remind myself and rejoice at how we can be made new.

i've started reading blogs this past year, mostly thanks to my friend Sarah :) and i've learned a lot from hearing other people's stories. i like that. because after all, we're all doing this thing called life. but, somewhat selfishly, i think this is mostly for me and this new phase of my life. but i'd love to share it with you if you are willing to put up with my...

1) goofiness-- yes, i do love to talk about real and hard things and things that mean so much to me deep down in my soul. but, i am weird and goofy and say silly things and maybe things that dont make complete sense. 

2) honesty-- i would like to think that i tell it like it is. i don't see why not. maybe that's because that is the way i was raised or that i just dont get why not tell the whole truth, ya know? but this is me and like so many things in our lives that surround us, this will not be fake. this is genuine, real and whole. 

3) repition-- i'm probably going to say the same thing twice for a couple reasons. one, i have a bad memory. two, i like to think about things, and that involves me thinking about them more than once, so chances are, i will talk about the things on my mind and my heart more than once. three, my life is busy and crazy and i'm kinda scattered but i kind of like that. 

4) being a nursing major-- ok, i'm no writer. the extent of my paper writing involves me writing assessments on patient health. this is a lot, a lot different. and i won't use proper grammer, and i'm too lazy to always press the shift bar to make caps. and i'll probably talk about how much i dislike nursing school but love nursing a lot.

more to come,

mal