recently i've been reflecting on why i lead young life. young life takes up a big portion of my time and my life and i think it is good to think about why i'm doing what i'm doing, how it is affecting me and why i love it so much.
if you don't know what young life is (i only have about 2 readers, so you probably do) here is a brief run-down. young life is an outreach youth ministry that involves meeting high school kids where they are in their faith and walking with them, loving them well and showing them who jesus christ is and what that means for their lives through your relationship. my young life leader in high school pushed me in my faith and although i had heard the stories in church and read the bible sometimes, it was really katie (my yl leader) who made me want more.
i started officially leading young life in january of my freshman year. slightly lost and with big self-worth issues i dove into a highly affluent high school trying to make relationships and show kids who jesus was when i myself was having a rough year. it was hard. really hard. i could've easily just said "ya, this isn't for me," but for some reason i didn't. best decision ever. i started building relationships slowly and got to take 14 girls to camp that summer. i knew when i sat in the camp dining hall late one night eating chips and salsa and drinking lemonade with kendall as we talked about life and high school and good stuff and hard stuff that this experience, these girls, these leaders, but most importantly, jesus, were changing me. for the better.
this past friday at our first leadership of the year we talked about why we lead young life... why we drive 30 mins each way to get ice cream with girls. or why we spend sunday night and monday night in basements laughing, playing weird games, singing too loud and talking about who jesus really is. why i wake up at 6:20 on friday mornings to get bagels and study the bible when i could just sleep until class at noon.
i think it all boils down to this-- i am loved so i love.
i've seen and felt what god has done to my heart, and my life. i know how he redeems and renews. i acknowledge that without him, without the promise of his son, i would be worthless, and despite my broken and sinful nature because of this promise, he loves me still. in fact, he loves me so much that i cannot grasp or understand that love. and with jesus i am enough, i am worthy, i am whole and i am remade. every day. every minute of every day, i am his beloved.
so because of this promise jesus made and because i am so loved, i love. because in the bible we are called to be his ambassadors. to share the works of christ in our lives to others. because he loves us so much, we must love others in the same way that he loves us. a big task.
i am not the best young life leader and i will never be. but i do know this, these girls have taken a big spot of my heart. i love them a lot. i love that we are really silly and laugh so hard together. and that i get to walk with them through really awesome fun things and support them and share their burdens in the really hard and messy parts of life. these girls challenge me to be better so that i can show them christ in the most real and true sense.
the role of a young life leader is really a beautiful thing. i am not their parent or sister or best friend or school counselor or coach. i am none of those things. i do not get angry when they hurt my feelings or expect something out of them like any other conditional relationship. it is legit and full of a lot of love. and here is the other thing, maybe my favorite-- i get to show them grace, when they screw up or break my heart it doesn't change our relationship. because i know when they make bad decisions or stray away from god he doesn't get mad, but he says "i love you so much, and my heart is breaking for you, i want something so much better than this for you. and i am the only one who can give that to you." and that, my friends is such a beautiful thing. i get to love them because of that and try to show them this earthy picture of what god's love is like.
i am not perfect and this hard, but god is perfecting me and i am learning more and more about who jesus is as i walk with these girls and as i try to love them well and show them grace. i am so thankful for them and for this ministry god has called me to be a part of.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
good to be back.
hi. it feels good to be back sitting down to blog, and intentionally sit down to blog. i haven't blog in exactly five months... but, it's never too late to start up again, right? i think so. this summer i wrote about 7 drafts... all 7 never were published, and that was intentional, but i don't know why. i didn't think they made sense or didn't like what they said or didn't like the vulnerability the posts made me feel. but i am over it now, and ready to blog again. thank goodness for that.
a lot has changed in the past five months. my summer was crazy and good and busy and relaxing. i spent a month at a young life camp in north carolina serving, and i learned so much in that month. i learned about who i am and who god is calling me to be. i learned about patience and waiting for the lord. i was loved well and encourage by so many friends, enriched with real conversations and the spirit working through each and every person there with me. i woke up before sunrise and worked in a hot kitchen, singing and dancing like crazy, laughing harder than ever and feeling like i was exactly where i was suppose to be. i learned that i am a daughter of the king, and that no matter how anyone has ever made me feel, i am enough. i am loved and adored by the king of the universe. so much change and goodness that came out of a month. i am incredibly thankful for that place and those people and the work that took place in my heart there.
me and my sweet friend maddy. god is so good.
oh, and i also got baptized. i've thought about it for a while, and one sunday at church they said that they were baptizing, and they had clothes and towels ect. it was spontaneous and beautiful and such an amazing feeling. it will serve as a constant reminder that god makes me new, he is making me new. such a blessing to be surrounded by good friends as i was washed new and redeemed by a merciful god who is so full of love.
i'm excited to watch this blog/space grow. happy that this can serve as a tangible reminder and memory of how the lord is working in my life/heart/and the people around me.
more on the real desires of our hearts and my new home tomorrow :)
a lot has changed in the past five months. my summer was crazy and good and busy and relaxing. i spent a month at a young life camp in north carolina serving, and i learned so much in that month. i learned about who i am and who god is calling me to be. i learned about patience and waiting for the lord. i was loved well and encourage by so many friends, enriched with real conversations and the spirit working through each and every person there with me. i woke up before sunrise and worked in a hot kitchen, singing and dancing like crazy, laughing harder than ever and feeling like i was exactly where i was suppose to be. i learned that i am a daughter of the king, and that no matter how anyone has ever made me feel, i am enough. i am loved and adored by the king of the universe. so much change and goodness that came out of a month. i am incredibly thankful for that place and those people and the work that took place in my heart there.
carnival/tableau night. this is one of my favorite pictures from summerstaff. so much fun. 
the beautiful place i called home for a month. windy gap.
oh, and i also got baptized. i've thought about it for a while, and one sunday at church they said that they were baptizing, and they had clothes and towels ect. it was spontaneous and beautiful and such an amazing feeling. it will serve as a constant reminder that god makes me new, he is making me new. such a blessing to be surrounded by good friends as i was washed new and redeemed by a merciful god who is so full of love.
i'm excited to watch this blog/space grow. happy that this can serve as a tangible reminder and memory of how the lord is working in my life/heart/and the people around me.
more on the real desires of our hearts and my new home tomorrow :)
Friday, April 27, 2012
so close and so far
today is a big day! it marks the last day of classes of my sophomore year of college. i am almost half-way done with nursing school which is really great for a lot of reasons and i think this day warrants some reflection.
i am so close to the end of finals. so close to moving home. so close to this summer and for all the wonderful adventures and lessons and i will learn.
BUT i am so far from where i was at this time last year in so many ways and i am incredibly grateful for that. i like lists and i think that this is an appropriate time for one!
in no particular order thoughts on how i am feeling now:
1) happy and relieved and proud that i am on the home stretch of this semester... the one that everyone said was the hardest and practically impossible.
2) anxious about what it will look like moving back home and practically living out of a suitcase for a whole summer.
3) thankful for this year and the redemption and growth that have accompanied it.
4) hopeful that my faith will continue to be strengthened and rooted deeply in the love of the lord. (Ephesians 3:14-19).
5) blessed for all the people who have come into my life this year. the people who have been by my side when i am weak, stressed, hurt. and that they have loved me so well. you have not left me unchanged... you know who you are :)
6) excited for summer staff. like really excited, cannot contain my excitement, giddy excited.
7) humbled and grateful for the challenges that have put in my life. the hurt and the brokenness and the healing and growth that has transpired from that.
8) sad that i am leaving good friends here. i am sad that i will not be able to have slumbies at Alaynah's, go get cheeseburgers with Sar, drive to and from yl club with Kats17 and talk about life, hang out at bethesda with heather until too late, drive to church with Erin and laugh, coffee dates and late night studying and so many more!!!
9) not looking forward to missing young life. i will miss the pre-club dinners where we talk and laugh and hang out with families. i will miss club and being crazy and singing call me maybe at the top of my lungs and talking to girls about their days/lives. and leadership, ahhh leadership, all of it. i like it a lot.
10) really excited and at peace about next year because i will being living with 4 other wonderful girls who are intentionally living to follow jesus. i am so excited to name our apartment, have community dinners, dance parties, good conversations and good friends to do life with :) i know a lot of good things will come out of this!
a lot to be happy about. i am full and thankful for grace and transformation while looking back at this year. it is weird to reflect on how i remember feeling this time last year; hurt, betrayed, unworthy, confused, and desperately seeking answers. and now knowing that these feelings were not ignored, but dealt with and explored and i am stronger because of that.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
prayer v. talking
i saw this graphic on pinterest the other day that said "have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?" this stopped me and made me think... and it has been on my mind ever since.
i don't pray as much as i should and i'm going to try to change that. i forget to pray or i get busy. i fall asleep or my mind wanders. lots of distractions and excuses can take the place of prayer.
my first instinct when i am upset about something is to text my best friend or call my mom or go for a run. which are all earthy things that i convince myself will make me feel better and in someway ameliorate the situation. but i am learning that i need to have more faith and more courage to lift up the things heavy on my heart and to trust God with all aspects of my life. to talk less and listen more to the lord. this season of my life seems unsettling and shifting and a growing phase and i like that, but it can be hard. i do not know what this summer will really be like, i am so excited for the things to come, but i begin to plan out what will come of it when i should be praying for strength and patience and to be prepared and faithful in what will be. some relationships in my life seem unsure and changing and this is scary to me. in those relationships i need god's presence walking beside me through those relationships and to be obedient to the lord.
all of these things that are unknown to me and make me uncomfortable are pushing me closer to Jesus and i love this. it is hard but i love that i am becoming more and more aware that i cannot do it alone, i cannot be strong and graceful by myself.
tonight at campaigners we wrangled the kids enough (tonight was extra crazy!) to write individual letters to God. i wrote one too and i found myself very aware that i recently have relied on my own understanding, on my own planning, on lists and ideas and dreams. but i have chosen to live my life for Christ, following him wholeheartedly which means that i will give up my plan knowing and believing that his is better. and there is so much beauty in that... in letting go and letting god, in talking less and praying more.
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:6-7
i don't pray as much as i should and i'm going to try to change that. i forget to pray or i get busy. i fall asleep or my mind wanders. lots of distractions and excuses can take the place of prayer.
my first instinct when i am upset about something is to text my best friend or call my mom or go for a run. which are all earthy things that i convince myself will make me feel better and in someway ameliorate the situation. but i am learning that i need to have more faith and more courage to lift up the things heavy on my heart and to trust God with all aspects of my life. to talk less and listen more to the lord. this season of my life seems unsettling and shifting and a growing phase and i like that, but it can be hard. i do not know what this summer will really be like, i am so excited for the things to come, but i begin to plan out what will come of it when i should be praying for strength and patience and to be prepared and faithful in what will be. some relationships in my life seem unsure and changing and this is scary to me. in those relationships i need god's presence walking beside me through those relationships and to be obedient to the lord.
all of these things that are unknown to me and make me uncomfortable are pushing me closer to Jesus and i love this. it is hard but i love that i am becoming more and more aware that i cannot do it alone, i cannot be strong and graceful by myself.
tonight at campaigners we wrangled the kids enough (tonight was extra crazy!) to write individual letters to God. i wrote one too and i found myself very aware that i recently have relied on my own understanding, on my own planning, on lists and ideas and dreams. but i have chosen to live my life for Christ, following him wholeheartedly which means that i will give up my plan knowing and believing that his is better. and there is so much beauty in that... in letting go and letting god, in talking less and praying more.
Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:6-7
Thursday, April 19, 2012
no little thing
today has been one of those days. where things just don't work. e.g., my computer broke the week before finals... not ideal. and as i was taking the el thirty minutes and walking to the apple store in the cold chicago wind-- it is not 64 degrees like the weather said-- i was thinking about how annoyed and frustrated i was with today. it was annoying that instead of doing the things i actually had planned for today i had to go get my computer fixed and walk in the cold. and then i thought more about how dumb that is. today is the only April 19, 2012 that i ever get to live. every little thing in today is a gift.
i watched a video this past weekend about every moment in each day, the good and the bad are one of a kind. they might not ever happen in this life again-- that is a big deal. kinda cool and kinda scary. it makes me want to be grateful for everything that i am humanly selfish about. so many times i have disliked a situation or a test or a day or the weather. but everything is created and planned by God above-- i fully believe that. however, i am not always the best at intentionally being thankful for it all. there have certainly been hard times/stages in my life that i really didn't like but throughout i tried hard to be grateful. maybe i did not necessarily love it, but grateful for the lessons i learned or the way i was loved through that hard time. how i was changed and transformed because of those hard seasons. and i think this can translate into other parts of our life. if i can be grateful to the lord when my heart is breaking i should be thankful for the small things that are seemingly insignificant. i want to be happy and grateful for every gust of cold wind that blows across my cheeks and every thunderstorm that is not given credit for its magnificence. i want to celebrate when i get an extra tasty soy latte or when i get to wear my favorite pair of jeans. not that i don't always love those things, but i do not always fully appreciate them. the little things really. it is the small, trivial, daily things that add up to moments and days and years and our life. the good and the bad, all a gift that we are lucky enough to experience.
i want live in that. i want to be joyful that God lets me see and do amazing things every day. i want to have peace knowing that it all comes from above, pre-planned, and is bigger than i can imagine. soak it up. this is a good life and the only life we get here.
This is the video if you want to watch it!
i watched a video this past weekend about every moment in each day, the good and the bad are one of a kind. they might not ever happen in this life again-- that is a big deal. kinda cool and kinda scary. it makes me want to be grateful for everything that i am humanly selfish about. so many times i have disliked a situation or a test or a day or the weather. but everything is created and planned by God above-- i fully believe that. however, i am not always the best at intentionally being thankful for it all. there have certainly been hard times/stages in my life that i really didn't like but throughout i tried hard to be grateful. maybe i did not necessarily love it, but grateful for the lessons i learned or the way i was loved through that hard time. how i was changed and transformed because of those hard seasons. and i think this can translate into other parts of our life. if i can be grateful to the lord when my heart is breaking i should be thankful for the small things that are seemingly insignificant. i want to be happy and grateful for every gust of cold wind that blows across my cheeks and every thunderstorm that is not given credit for its magnificence. i want to celebrate when i get an extra tasty soy latte or when i get to wear my favorite pair of jeans. not that i don't always love those things, but i do not always fully appreciate them. the little things really. it is the small, trivial, daily things that add up to moments and days and years and our life. the good and the bad, all a gift that we are lucky enough to experience.
i want live in that. i want to be joyful that God lets me see and do amazing things every day. i want to have peace knowing that it all comes from above, pre-planned, and is bigger than i can imagine. soak it up. this is a good life and the only life we get here.
This is the video if you want to watch it!
Sunday, April 15, 2012
loving and belonging
lately, i've been thinking a lot about loving people well. i know that we all want to be loved. we are pre-programmed to need, strive for and give love. and thankfully, we are adored by a God above, we are loved so well by him. and we are called in this life to love others-- whether that is easy or not. i'm not always good at this. and recently i have been reminded of how hard it is to love people who have hurt you.
people who you trusted and people who have sinned against you. this can cut deep, i think everyone has or will experience this.
i was feeling a little off this weekend at some points. just kind of tired and hard on myself. my friend heather gave me a book to read and although i only read a few pages it ready got me thinking. in the chapter i read it talked about fitting in v. belonging. i think that this plays a big part in how we love ourselves and how we accept love from above and from others.
this weekend i was at a young life student staff conference which was really great for a lot of reasons and hard at the same time. i love young life and i love the part in my story that young life has played. but a post on this to come! anyway, this weekend is that it left me with a lot of thoughts. thoughts about how to lead others as a follower of christ, thoughts about how i need to evaluate how i follow jesus is some ways how i do ministry and what that looks like in the lives of high schoolers. i have become aware of my selfishness in loving others and my intense need to be loved and how i am sometimes reluctant and refuse to believe i am good enough to believe that i am really love-- wrong wrong wrong. this is just a lie!
we strive as humans to fit in, to become something we are not to fit in. but belong involves a peace with who we truly we are. we do not need to change or become anything. belonging does require us to be who we are. <-- this is what heather's book was talking about.
so true. as a person we are made my a perfect god. we are born belonging. we do not need to adapt to become someone who can be loved. in my wretched and broken state. in my talk-too-loud-say-too-much state i am loved. in my self-doubt and selfishness i am forgiven and loved.
whatever it is that you feel you need to change to be loved, whatever you think you need to be. you don't. you are loved now. both today and always with an everlasting and overflowing love.
the lord appeared to us in the past, saying: "i have loved with an everlasting love; i have drawn you with lovingkindness." -- Jeremiah 31:3
people who you trusted and people who have sinned against you. this can cut deep, i think everyone has or will experience this.
i was feeling a little off this weekend at some points. just kind of tired and hard on myself. my friend heather gave me a book to read and although i only read a few pages it ready got me thinking. in the chapter i read it talked about fitting in v. belonging. i think that this plays a big part in how we love ourselves and how we accept love from above and from others.
this weekend i was at a young life student staff conference which was really great for a lot of reasons and hard at the same time. i love young life and i love the part in my story that young life has played. but a post on this to come! anyway, this weekend is that it left me with a lot of thoughts. thoughts about how to lead others as a follower of christ, thoughts about how i need to evaluate how i follow jesus is some ways how i do ministry and what that looks like in the lives of high schoolers. i have become aware of my selfishness in loving others and my intense need to be loved and how i am sometimes reluctant and refuse to believe i am good enough to believe that i am really love-- wrong wrong wrong. this is just a lie!
we strive as humans to fit in, to become something we are not to fit in. but belong involves a peace with who we truly we are. we do not need to change or become anything. belonging does require us to be who we are. <-- this is what heather's book was talking about.
so true. as a person we are made my a perfect god. we are born belonging. we do not need to adapt to become someone who can be loved. in my wretched and broken state. in my talk-too-loud-say-too-much state i am loved. in my self-doubt and selfishness i am forgiven and loved.
whatever it is that you feel you need to change to be loved, whatever you think you need to be. you don't. you are loved now. both today and always with an everlasting and overflowing love.
the lord appeared to us in the past, saying: "i have loved with an everlasting love; i have drawn you with lovingkindness." -- Jeremiah 31:3
Monday, April 2, 2012
getting what you think you want
i've been humbled and grateful during this season of my life in the change of heart i've had about my plans. i've said it before and i will say it again, i want to know what comes next. what will be. where i'll end up. with whom. doing what. there are so many unanswered questions that float around in my head, and i'm sure there are unanswered questions that float around in your head too. thing is, we don't always get the answer to those questions. and sometimes we don't get the answer that we wanted-- the answer that we thought was best. sometimes things in our lives don't work out the way we planned, or the way we wanted them.
getting use to this is tough. and i think it is something that happens in all stages of life. at every age, decision, goal, plan, moment things don't happen how we want 100% of the time. but how to we cope with that? how do we deal with and if necessary, pick of the pieces and start a new plan for what we want to happen now? with faith.
i came into college with a big plan. partially a product of not being fully satisfied in high school and partially a product of feeling not good enough and thinking that if this plan worked out i would be loved... an idea of perfection. well, i tried that plan. i spent late nights studying and striving for perfection in my classes. i had to get a's-- there was no question. i compromised my social life and waited for a boy far away to want me back. i dressed in clothes that i thought other people wanted me to wear, not necessarily what i wanted. i tried to put this image up of having it together and being happy because that was what my plan was. to get good grades, and look good on paper, to find a perfect job post-grad or get into a grad school that was known, somewhere where i felt important.
but that plan didn't work. it wasn't fulfilling and it left me empty and hurt. i was setting myself up for failure-- to a standard that was unacheivable, because nothing was ever good enough.
since then, since last spring i have learned so much. i have learned about myself, my soul and my faith. i have changed and grown and i am so blessed because of that.
on friday i spent the night at my sweet friend Alaynah's and we layed in bed and stayed up too late and talked about change and growth. and we cried together and we were real and true. we shared things about how different our lives have become.
i told her that i felt that my heart and my goals and my aspirations have changed-- a ton a ton a ton. that more and more i am living my life for the Lord, and striving for a better relationship day. and that because of this my goals and my plans and my outlooks have changed, and i have never been so at peace with anything else in my life. yes, i am scared, really scared, because this is new and not anything that i was set up to think or that the world tells me i should think. i am told to look for success and for a perfect husband and for a life that "looks good." instead i will wait for a job that suits me and is fulfilling and for grades that show i am doing my best and for a boy that loves me for me-- not what he wants me to be. i will wait until God puts someone special in my life who makes me think hard about faith and forces me to be better, who will laugh with me and who will cry with me. Not someone who is consumed by perfection or striving for more but someone who is at peace, someone who makes me calm.
all of this is a product of faith. a product of being broken down-- being slapped across the face when i felt empty and realizing i was doing it all wrong. and learning that we are not in control. some people disagree, but i think we have spent ages and ages trying to figure out how to do things better the human way and we have failed again and again.
my point is that we don't always get what we want. everybody has experienced that. but because of the consequential failure or emptiness and hurt that comes out of that we are forced to grow. i am thankful that i have been there to that empty and hurt place. i am thankful that i have been transformed by his love and gained faith and hope. i am glad and excited that i have a new mindset on life, on love and on the future. although it is scary and unknown, i am not alone in this, and i will be obedient to God and i will be rewarded and taken care of because of that.
"Seek me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece." -Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young
getting use to this is tough. and i think it is something that happens in all stages of life. at every age, decision, goal, plan, moment things don't happen how we want 100% of the time. but how to we cope with that? how do we deal with and if necessary, pick of the pieces and start a new plan for what we want to happen now? with faith.
i came into college with a big plan. partially a product of not being fully satisfied in high school and partially a product of feeling not good enough and thinking that if this plan worked out i would be loved... an idea of perfection. well, i tried that plan. i spent late nights studying and striving for perfection in my classes. i had to get a's-- there was no question. i compromised my social life and waited for a boy far away to want me back. i dressed in clothes that i thought other people wanted me to wear, not necessarily what i wanted. i tried to put this image up of having it together and being happy because that was what my plan was. to get good grades, and look good on paper, to find a perfect job post-grad or get into a grad school that was known, somewhere where i felt important.
but that plan didn't work. it wasn't fulfilling and it left me empty and hurt. i was setting myself up for failure-- to a standard that was unacheivable, because nothing was ever good enough.
since then, since last spring i have learned so much. i have learned about myself, my soul and my faith. i have changed and grown and i am so blessed because of that.
on friday i spent the night at my sweet friend Alaynah's and we layed in bed and stayed up too late and talked about change and growth. and we cried together and we were real and true. we shared things about how different our lives have become.
i told her that i felt that my heart and my goals and my aspirations have changed-- a ton a ton a ton. that more and more i am living my life for the Lord, and striving for a better relationship day. and that because of this my goals and my plans and my outlooks have changed, and i have never been so at peace with anything else in my life. yes, i am scared, really scared, because this is new and not anything that i was set up to think or that the world tells me i should think. i am told to look for success and for a perfect husband and for a life that "looks good." instead i will wait for a job that suits me and is fulfilling and for grades that show i am doing my best and for a boy that loves me for me-- not what he wants me to be. i will wait until God puts someone special in my life who makes me think hard about faith and forces me to be better, who will laugh with me and who will cry with me. Not someone who is consumed by perfection or striving for more but someone who is at peace, someone who makes me calm.
all of this is a product of faith. a product of being broken down-- being slapped across the face when i felt empty and realizing i was doing it all wrong. and learning that we are not in control. some people disagree, but i think we have spent ages and ages trying to figure out how to do things better the human way and we have failed again and again.
my point is that we don't always get what we want. everybody has experienced that. but because of the consequential failure or emptiness and hurt that comes out of that we are forced to grow. i am thankful that i have been there to that empty and hurt place. i am thankful that i have been transformed by his love and gained faith and hope. i am glad and excited that i have a new mindset on life, on love and on the future. although it is scary and unknown, i am not alone in this, and i will be obedient to God and i will be rewarded and taken care of because of that.
"Seek me first and foremost; then the rest of your life will fall into place, piece by piece." -Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young
Friday, March 30, 2012
being still
these past two weeks have been crazy. filled with double the amount of exams than i have classes-- how does that even happen? along with tests and reading assignments quizzes, there have been meetings and deadlines and emails to respond to. i have felt that for the past two weeks i have simply not stopped moving. for some reason i've been constantly reminded of the importance of being still. being still in the midst of a crazy life can sometimes seem impossible, or just not an option but i think it is ever so important. i don't think that i can describe the feeling of being still-- not that i have perfected it by any means-- but i have certainly tried to find rest and peace when things around me are out of my control and i cannot keep up. it feels good and serene and real.
i have been making an effort for the past month to spend time alone with God. to learn to be still and at peace with his plan for me. on wednesday night, while taking a study break from patho i walked out of the library, in front of the lake to the beautiful chapel on Loyola's campus to go to a prayer meditation service called Taize. it felt nice just be to out of the library, but it also felt soothing and peaceful to talk to the Lord, lift up the things weighing on my heart, and be still. every Taize i have been to has started with singing of "be still and know that i am God." i love that. i often am not still, because i want to plan and i want to know what will come next and what will be. the quietness and peace in the chapel somehow gives me the strength and courage to know and understand that i am little. and more importantly be ok with that littleness. i cannot carry my burdens alone... neither can you. we are only human and our world is busy and complicated and out of our control.
i want to be still and know that He is God. and he is good. and that is such a blessing.
i have been making an effort for the past month to spend time alone with God. to learn to be still and at peace with his plan for me. on wednesday night, while taking a study break from patho i walked out of the library, in front of the lake to the beautiful chapel on Loyola's campus to go to a prayer meditation service called Taize. it felt nice just be to out of the library, but it also felt soothing and peaceful to talk to the Lord, lift up the things weighing on my heart, and be still. every Taize i have been to has started with singing of "be still and know that i am God." i love that. i often am not still, because i want to plan and i want to know what will come next and what will be. the quietness and peace in the chapel somehow gives me the strength and courage to know and understand that i am little. and more importantly be ok with that littleness. i cannot carry my burdens alone... neither can you. we are only human and our world is busy and complicated and out of our control.
i want to be still and know that He is God. and he is good. and that is such a blessing.
Monday, March 26, 2012
forgiveness.
the process of forgiveness has been a trend of my life for the past six months. trying to forgive someone who once loved me well and betrayed me. trying to forgive myself. trying to forgive the situation i put myself in and also the aftermath of that situation. i do not believe that when you say you forgive someone, the process is over. not even a bit. i think that forgiveness involves enormous amounts of grace and generosity. and i think that it is usually best to forgive even if we feel like we didn't do anything wrong.
i woke up this morning angry and sad. and i am neither an angry or a sad person, so this is weird. i had been having bad dreams about a month ago and i would wake up and be reminded of that hurt, and betrayal and ache and it all felt too real again. it was in many ways like a scab being torn off. unfortunately i had another dream last night, and i continue to be amazed at how real these dreams feel. and that just sucks. these dreams are bittersweet. what i mean by that is that these dreams are seriously annoying but they force me to process and think, which involves me forgiving and healing and moving forward.
i think that my nature is to push the things that hurt or are hard away and tell myself that my time frame for healing and forgiving is up, that i'm passed the point and that i should even being feeling hurt, or angry or broken or whatever. and that's just wrong. i talked to my friend Samantha about this about a month ago, and i am so thankful for that conversation. she is wise and has been hurt and grown and forgiven. Sam encouraged me to think about why i was mad. after thinking a lot and journaling and praying i came to some solid conclusions:
1) i'd loved more than i ever had before and was not loved back well, or at all
2) i trusted more than i ever had before and was betrayed more than ever
3) i was told things that just weren't true and promises were broken and a friendship dissolved
but what does all this mean now? i don't think i will ever know fully why God put this in my life but i can tell you that i am sure as heck glad he did! weird right?
that this past of mine that hurts is part of my story, it will always be part of my story, and that is ok. i am who i am today because of this. i am better today because of yesterday. BUT, this sticky past full of mistakes and heartbreak does not have to be who i am. that does not define me. i am confident that Jesus put me in this uncomfortable place and i am confident that by leaning on Him i got out of that place, and i am confident that he used that to change my heart. i am positive He will continue to do so.
i have been praying to be able to forgive for a long time. i pray for things like that he finds Jesus and knows the love that He can give. i pray that he knows i have forgiven him.
i don't want to feel bitter or hatred, that's not me. a song by Drew Holcomb, called Resurrected says in the lyrics "i need to sleep in forgiveness, i need to be healed of this hate. i need to be resurrected on judgement day." it's a good song, and i really like Drew Holcomb so its a win-win. what this means to me is that i cannot do this alone, i am little, and the hurt that i feel is big and i cannot fix myself. i've tried. i've done the things that i thought would "make it better." little, ignorant and prideful human things. however, jesus is so much bigger and i have invited him into the depths of me and heal and help me forgive and help me be graceful in that. i don't think that i can be done or fully move on until i forgive. this song also reminds me that i am have sinned as well. i've done things that were wrong and said unkind words and handled situations badly. i did what i thought was best, not what i knew Jesus was calling me to do. and i have been hard on myself because of that, really hard. i need to forgive myself too. i have been forgiven and loved by the Lord and so now i will forgive and love, however hard that may be.
“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” -- C.S. Lewis
i woke up this morning angry and sad. and i am neither an angry or a sad person, so this is weird. i had been having bad dreams about a month ago and i would wake up and be reminded of that hurt, and betrayal and ache and it all felt too real again. it was in many ways like a scab being torn off. unfortunately i had another dream last night, and i continue to be amazed at how real these dreams feel. and that just sucks. these dreams are bittersweet. what i mean by that is that these dreams are seriously annoying but they force me to process and think, which involves me forgiving and healing and moving forward.
i think that my nature is to push the things that hurt or are hard away and tell myself that my time frame for healing and forgiving is up, that i'm passed the point and that i should even being feeling hurt, or angry or broken or whatever. and that's just wrong. i talked to my friend Samantha about this about a month ago, and i am so thankful for that conversation. she is wise and has been hurt and grown and forgiven. Sam encouraged me to think about why i was mad. after thinking a lot and journaling and praying i came to some solid conclusions:
1) i'd loved more than i ever had before and was not loved back well, or at all
2) i trusted more than i ever had before and was betrayed more than ever
3) i was told things that just weren't true and promises were broken and a friendship dissolved
but what does all this mean now? i don't think i will ever know fully why God put this in my life but i can tell you that i am sure as heck glad he did! weird right?
that this past of mine that hurts is part of my story, it will always be part of my story, and that is ok. i am who i am today because of this. i am better today because of yesterday. BUT, this sticky past full of mistakes and heartbreak does not have to be who i am. that does not define me. i am confident that Jesus put me in this uncomfortable place and i am confident that by leaning on Him i got out of that place, and i am confident that he used that to change my heart. i am positive He will continue to do so.
i have been praying to be able to forgive for a long time. i pray for things like that he finds Jesus and knows the love that He can give. i pray that he knows i have forgiven him.
i don't want to feel bitter or hatred, that's not me. a song by Drew Holcomb, called Resurrected says in the lyrics "i need to sleep in forgiveness, i need to be healed of this hate. i need to be resurrected on judgement day." it's a good song, and i really like Drew Holcomb so its a win-win. what this means to me is that i cannot do this alone, i am little, and the hurt that i feel is big and i cannot fix myself. i've tried. i've done the things that i thought would "make it better." little, ignorant and prideful human things. however, jesus is so much bigger and i have invited him into the depths of me and heal and help me forgive and help me be graceful in that. i don't think that i can be done or fully move on until i forgive. this song also reminds me that i am have sinned as well. i've done things that were wrong and said unkind words and handled situations badly. i did what i thought was best, not what i knew Jesus was calling me to do. and i have been hard on myself because of that, really hard. i need to forgive myself too. i have been forgiven and loved by the Lord and so now i will forgive and love, however hard that may be.
“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” -- C.S. Lewis
Sunday, March 25, 2012
a soul worth tending
"You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you, the true culmination of super and natural.
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.”
-- Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life
i like this quote a lot. i like the book a lot too, and if you haven't read it you should. meaning, today go get it and read it. i like this book to the extent that i think i reference it so much that people get sick of it and me talking about it. it's filled with little bits of wisdom. things that we often forget and need reminders of. reminders like in the midst of it all, this crazy busy life, we have a soul worth tending.
i'm realizing this more and more these days. that i have a soul worth tending. that i get caught up in my busyness. between young life and nursing school and attempting to have a life and i sometimes feel that i am really tired. not just physically run down-- i mean let's be honest, i could always go for a nap-- but actually drained and tired inside. i think that this is normal and that it happens to everyone but i'm learning more and more how to recognize this and how to be full and alive inside. how to rest.
i dont want to just go through the motions, which i think sometimes i do, we all do. sometimes i wake up and i dont want to go to class and then i want it to be over asap and i dont want to have to go to boring meetings or turn in assignments and fill out paperwork for clinical next fall. but that is not the way it should be. i'm guilty of not fully appreciating this life sometimes. i am easily brought down by the stress of it all and i feel surrounded by people at school who seem to be striving for perfection. striving for perfect grades and to have it all together. which i just don't get why we even, in the first place, put that on ourselves. we are not meant to be perfect. God does not need us to get all A's or "have it all together," and afterall he is who i am living for. He loves me if i am a mess 99% of the time and only do so-so in all my classes and don't go to the gym for a week straight and haven't done laundry in about 2.65 weeks. He still loves me just the same. He still loves you just the same. so frankly, i really think that this whole striving thing that we do as humans is dumb. i once read that we should save our best striving for developing our relationship with Jesus, and i really like that. i use that sentence as a little reminder of my priorities. that is how i want to live my life. that is how my soul will flourish. waking up every morning and striving for the Lord, for a better relationship, to be closer to him and to trust my whole life to him.
i've felt over the past year my heart change, my soul change. i guess i don't know how to describe it. i told one of my close friends that when i see a picture of myself from a year ago i don't recognize that girl, i don't feel like that girl. it's not that i don't look the same, i am changed. just different i think. i'm not done yet, we are growing and changing our whole lives. constantly. dynamically changing. and the change that i have felt most is that i am trusting God more and more with big things in my life.
i don't care as much about school, i mean i still try and i always want to do my best, but i'm realizing and learning that my best is enough. i do not worry so much about my future or what that holds, but i am constantly comforted by knowing and trusting that i do not have to plan. worrying and stressing over the little things quickly piles up. piling up to the point where i begin to tire, and become weary. which is just not worth it!
i'm surrounding myself with people who love me well. and people who i love and that i can talk to them about real, good things, people who know me. people who make me laugh, a lot. i saw this quote on pinterest by Marcel Proust: "let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." good friends, less stress, more faith. i want to take to plan last minute lunch dates and eat yummy food and have good conversations, and i am ok with pushing back my studying a couple of hours to talk about life over coffee drinks... this makes me happy. this makes me full and this helps me to live my life for christ better. i want to wake up early and go read a devotional by the lake in the peaceful morning and i want to skip study groups to go to young life and laugh and be silly. on paper, to most people, it may seem like i am doing this all wrong. and i am so ok with that. today is the only today we get, and today i want to strive for the lord, i want to seek him first and foremost. i want to make memories and stories and follow my dreams and believe that the Lord our God is constantly watching over me, that i will be rewarded and protected if i am faithful. that my heart will be full and my soul will be tended to.
i have a soul worth tending. you do too.
mal
You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today.”
-- Shauna Niequist, Cold Tangerines: Celebrating the Extraordinary Nature of Everyday Life
i like this quote a lot. i like the book a lot too, and if you haven't read it you should. meaning, today go get it and read it. i like this book to the extent that i think i reference it so much that people get sick of it and me talking about it. it's filled with little bits of wisdom. things that we often forget and need reminders of. reminders like in the midst of it all, this crazy busy life, we have a soul worth tending.
i'm realizing this more and more these days. that i have a soul worth tending. that i get caught up in my busyness. between young life and nursing school and attempting to have a life and i sometimes feel that i am really tired. not just physically run down-- i mean let's be honest, i could always go for a nap-- but actually drained and tired inside. i think that this is normal and that it happens to everyone but i'm learning more and more how to recognize this and how to be full and alive inside. how to rest.
i dont want to just go through the motions, which i think sometimes i do, we all do. sometimes i wake up and i dont want to go to class and then i want it to be over asap and i dont want to have to go to boring meetings or turn in assignments and fill out paperwork for clinical next fall. but that is not the way it should be. i'm guilty of not fully appreciating this life sometimes. i am easily brought down by the stress of it all and i feel surrounded by people at school who seem to be striving for perfection. striving for perfect grades and to have it all together. which i just don't get why we even, in the first place, put that on ourselves. we are not meant to be perfect. God does not need us to get all A's or "have it all together," and afterall he is who i am living for. He loves me if i am a mess 99% of the time and only do so-so in all my classes and don't go to the gym for a week straight and haven't done laundry in about 2.65 weeks. He still loves me just the same. He still loves you just the same. so frankly, i really think that this whole striving thing that we do as humans is dumb. i once read that we should save our best striving for developing our relationship with Jesus, and i really like that. i use that sentence as a little reminder of my priorities. that is how i want to live my life. that is how my soul will flourish. waking up every morning and striving for the Lord, for a better relationship, to be closer to him and to trust my whole life to him.
i've felt over the past year my heart change, my soul change. i guess i don't know how to describe it. i told one of my close friends that when i see a picture of myself from a year ago i don't recognize that girl, i don't feel like that girl. it's not that i don't look the same, i am changed. just different i think. i'm not done yet, we are growing and changing our whole lives. constantly. dynamically changing. and the change that i have felt most is that i am trusting God more and more with big things in my life.
i don't care as much about school, i mean i still try and i always want to do my best, but i'm realizing and learning that my best is enough. i do not worry so much about my future or what that holds, but i am constantly comforted by knowing and trusting that i do not have to plan. worrying and stressing over the little things quickly piles up. piling up to the point where i begin to tire, and become weary. which is just not worth it!
i'm surrounding myself with people who love me well. and people who i love and that i can talk to them about real, good things, people who know me. people who make me laugh, a lot. i saw this quote on pinterest by Marcel Proust: "let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom." good friends, less stress, more faith. i want to take to plan last minute lunch dates and eat yummy food and have good conversations, and i am ok with pushing back my studying a couple of hours to talk about life over coffee drinks... this makes me happy. this makes me full and this helps me to live my life for christ better. i want to wake up early and go read a devotional by the lake in the peaceful morning and i want to skip study groups to go to young life and laugh and be silly. on paper, to most people, it may seem like i am doing this all wrong. and i am so ok with that. today is the only today we get, and today i want to strive for the lord, i want to seek him first and foremost. i want to make memories and stories and follow my dreams and believe that the Lord our God is constantly watching over me, that i will be rewarded and protected if i am faithful. that my heart will be full and my soul will be tended to.
i have a soul worth tending. you do too.
mal
Friday, March 23, 2012
what this is...
it's been in my head and in my heart for a while to start a blog. which i don't really know why because i'm not a great writer and i don't always feel like i have the best things to say, or that i know how to say what i'm thinking. but... here it is. as you obviously have realized by now, i started one. on a whim. i don't know what i will write about and i don't know when i will find time to write and i'm sure this will distract me from studying-- which i'm not too upset about.
this feels good to me and so unfamiliar which i think is fitting because i think unfamiliar and new are good words to describe the way my life has felt over the past year. i've been heartbroken and hurt. i've been hard on myself and felt unworthy. but i've been redeemed and renewed and loved well. i am so thankful and joyful because of that. yes, this is a place where i will write about me, but i am not telling my story, i am telling the story of jesus and who he is and the grace and love and hope that he brings to my life. i've learned a lot about that this year, more than any other year of my life. i think i need a place for that. a place to share and think and process and remind myself and rejoice at how we can be made new.
i've started reading blogs this past year, mostly thanks to my friend Sarah :) and i've learned a lot from hearing other people's stories. i like that. because after all, we're all doing this thing called life. but, somewhat selfishly, i think this is mostly for me and this new phase of my life. but i'd love to share it with you if you are willing to put up with my...
1) goofiness-- yes, i do love to talk about real and hard things and things that mean so much to me deep down in my soul. but, i am weird and goofy and say silly things and maybe things that dont make complete sense.
2) honesty-- i would like to think that i tell it like it is. i don't see why not. maybe that's because that is the way i was raised or that i just dont get why not tell the whole truth, ya know? but this is me and like so many things in our lives that surround us, this will not be fake. this is genuine, real and whole.
3) repition-- i'm probably going to say the same thing twice for a couple reasons. one, i have a bad memory. two, i like to think about things, and that involves me thinking about them more than once, so chances are, i will talk about the things on my mind and my heart more than once. three, my life is busy and crazy and i'm kinda scattered but i kind of like that.
4) being a nursing major-- ok, i'm no writer. the extent of my paper writing involves me writing assessments on patient health. this is a lot, a lot different. and i won't use proper grammer, and i'm too lazy to always press the shift bar to make caps. and i'll probably talk about how much i dislike nursing school but love nursing a lot.
more to come,
mal
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